I Can't Get You Out Of The Sunlight.

I broke up with my friend. Our friendship, I mean. I broke it off. I decided I never wanted to talk to her ever again. I'm that final. You know, for a while, then I change my mind and go back to the start. That final.

But this time was serious. And it's hard for it to be serious with me, but it was. Because for several times I deeply felt like I hated her. Like I really hated her guts. Like I hated the way she treats me, the way she talks to me, how fake it feels when she tells me she likes me. And it was hard, but I haven't talked to her ever since (it probably hasn't been as long as I feel it's been). I've deleted her out of my life and started to get used to living without her.

Here's my reference: in Being Erica, Erica once broke up with one of her friends, when she realised that this friend only hurt her. And I know it seems absurd, bu is it really ?

Think about it. When a relationship is poisoned, and it only wears you out, when you keep feeling like you hate the other person, like that person is so despicable, shouldn't you break it off ? Isn't that the only way of being happy ? Why should friendships be any different ? So I become somebody's friend, and then we both grow up (or maybe not both of us, huh) and we become so different, we can't exactly coexist in harmony. Shouldn't it end ?

I got carried away, though. And I decided I'd burn any bridge that took me places I hated. Anybody who was annoying, poisoned and made me feel like, well, a loser. Here's the thing, though. When you think your brother is unfair and always getting what he wants, selfish and stuff, you shouldn't just decide to never talk to him again. Sure, teaching him he shouldn't be this way should be a priority. But then again, that's not my job. And sure, instead of teaching him, just ignoring it will probably just increase the chances of it happening again in the future. But he's my brother, you know. I can't be so final with him. 

But friends, think about it, they're supposed to be the light of your life. Family is the ones you learn with. But friends should equal fun. They should at least equal happiness. And she only made me mad, really. 

Now she's sent me a message saying she needs to talk to me. It's been so long, I had given up on that. And I'm not even sure if she wants to apologize for being, well, bitchy. I was so sure I had made the right decision. I don't wanna go back to that kind of friendship we had. How do I decide if being friends is a good idea or not ? 

L.

Me And My Heart, We Got Issues.

First of all, merry christmas to all. I'm not really christian (more like atheist), but my family is and we celebrate christmas (I, because I like presents - and, of course, when my family gets together).

Now I was going over people's profiles on Orkut, and I saw people telling each other that they loved each other and stuff. It was all very nice and all, but I couldn't help thinking that, even though I've been missing the feeling of liking somebody, of thinking about somebody in bed (in the most inocent way ever possible), I'm really lazy for this love thing. I mean, I've done that before, you know. Fall in love. Being in love. Having somebody meaning the world to me. And being brokenhearted too. And I gotta say, I'm not sure I wanna go through that again. It's all very useless. I don't mean to say that love is useless, but it kinda is. Right, so feeling loved is good. And I don't even remember what that feels like. But being in a relationship is so much work, so much work. And most relationships are just plain phony. Just made-up intimacy. And made by people who can't really face themselves. All very nice and all. Besides, it's such a vanity fair, truth is always forgotten, and trust is that much harder to find. What I'm trying to say is that having a true meaningful realtionship is very, very hard and I'm just too lazy to try finding it.

Isn't that I great epiphany to have five days before New Year's Eve ? Yeah, life's that nice and all.

L.

I'm Screaming For Attention, So Come Dig Me Out.

My dad's asked me if it isn't scary to go to Europe by myself and live there with strangers for 10 months. He's so funny.

Of course it's scary. When I was younger, he used to tell me that I could get into college, study for a year and then leave for an exchange course. Back then, I'd agree, but secretly wish I wouldn't. I was scared, yes. But I also knew I couldn't handle it. Now 2010 has come to my life and, between my desperation of finding myself, curing myself and developing myself, I've come to the decision that - well, that I need to get the hell out of here as soon as possible.

It's been six months since I thought of that. But hey, it's the soonest possible. 

But now, as I approach the date of leaving, I can't help wondering if I am really ready. Because it's scary. Like, hell scary. How can anyone be ready to spend 10 months with strangers in a land they don't even know how to communicate ? Scary. People say you make friends at hello in Berlin. But before I say Hello to anyone, I'll have to get by alone. All alone. What if I do something wrong ? What if I forget every single dammed word of German I've ever learned ? Then what do I do ?

And that's not the only thing that's scary. Here's something you didn't see coming - as least not from me: I'm scared that I'll miss my parents too much. And my friends. I'm gonna cry my eyes out on my goodbye party. And when I'm about to get on board. Three of my friends left to London last Friday and, whether they noticed or not, I was on the verge of really crying my eyes out. I'll melt when I'm the one who has to leave. 

It's gonna break me. But here's one good side of it, I'll probably go back to writing in my Journal. And by writing, I don't mean copying what I wrote here and pasting there. I really don't. 

There's also a huge part of me that wishes I was going tomorrow. Go figure.

L.

This Night Is Flawless.

And it'll stay this way if Giants win over Vikings. Just saying.

This last weekend was a rather unfair one. I spent it drinking, sleeping and playing Tomb Raider. It was the happiest I had been in a long, long time. And now I'm back to school. So unfair. They shouldn't give me a taste of vacation when I have a few 48 hours to get back to college for EXAMS. Yes, unfair.

Besides such devastating recall this morning, things got a lot better during the day. You see, I've just watched this 'Being Erica' episode that aired last week, and it was such a great episode! SUCH a great episode! And the fact that it made me doubt it during almost the entire episode only made it better!

Now I'm here, wishing with all my strength that I'll pass all my four exams (yes, I suck). And that the weekend will come fast. And that Giants will win tonight. Oh, god. Please make Giants win tonight! I love them so much! Haha.

I guess the last thing I've got to say is that I can't stop listening to Enchanted, from Taylor Swift. Yes, and I can't help wishing I was in love too. Dammit.

L.

The Top 5 Songs I'm Currently In Love With.

01. (Can't Get No) Satisfaction - Britney Spears (yes, she made a cover of this song, and I love it).

02. Peacock - Katy Perry (I've surrended).

03. Wretches and Kings - Linkin Park (I still can't believe how AWESOME this song is).

04. If This Was A Movie - Taylor Swift (it's got this weird power of making me listen to it a hundred times and not get sick of it).

05. Dollhouse - Priscilla Renea (this song is so fun!).

Just wanted to uptade this place and make you listen to Wretches and Kings.

L.

I Wanna See Your Peacock.

In about three months, I'll be 20 years old. TWENTY YEARS OLD! That is so old! I might even have to start being responsible. Unthinkable.
Sorry about the title, dudes. It's just that I've been listening to this song quite often lately.
Just one more thing, I've got this love/hate relationship with Avril Lavigne, but her new album cover is definitily adorable! I can't wait for it. March is going to be the best month ever. Germany, Britney, Avril and my birthday. Yay!





L.

My Favorite Hairdos Ever.

Sorry, but I gotta post this. I love these hairdos SO MUCH! They're the actual definition of gorgeous.
There you go:
Katy Perry, Rihanna and Taylor Swift.
You have to agree with me. If with anything, with this. Really.
I also love Joss Stone's hair. But that's like, always.




L.

My Top 5 Coolest Rap Songs.

01. Big Pimpin' - Jay-Z
02. Bet I - B.o.B. feat. T.I. and Playboy Tre
03. Sugar - Flo Rida feat. Wynter
04. 2 of Americaz Most Wanted -Tupac feat. Snoop Dogg
05. My Place - Nelly feat. Jaheim

I mean, at least those are the songs I listen to when I'm not feeling that great.



L.

The People Up Top Push The People Down Low.

I just wanted to tell this short story that I just remembered.

Once upon a time, I was 11 years old and fell in love with my favorite band ever (Red Hot Chili Peppers). I was obsessed with it by then, I almost only talked about it, I almost only thought about it. It was pratically a sickness, really. And I used to tell people that one day I'd go to Los Angeles with my best friend Flávia (whom I also met when I was 11), and that we were gonna knock at every door until we found where Anthony lived. We used to say we were gonna knock and ask, 'Does Anthony Kiedis live here ?'.

Nowadays, I laugh at this story. But honestly, if I ever went to LA, I'm a hundred per cent sure I'd be feeling restless about going knocking door after door after him. And I'm sure because there's this guy - who might potentially be my soul mate - who lives very far away from here, who's coming to the city I live in the day after tomorrow. And even if I don't meet him, just the thought of being in the same city as him makes me so nervous! I'll probably walk around the city on Thursday looking for him in every face, restless to find him. Even though I know I'm not ready to meet him.

It's just that I got so used to the distance, so used to thinking of him as unreal. Now that I think of the possibility of actually touching him, my whole body gets cold and I get really nervous. But here's the thing, my soul mate or not, I don't really like him that way. Why am I so nervous ?

But then again, I never liked Anthony like that. I was just fan! It doesn't mean I'd marry him.

I should talk about that friend of mine. He's like, perfect. He likes Blink-182, Offspring, RHCP, Sum 41, Green Day (pratically everything I like when it comes to music). He's left-handed, he likes videogames, and football and skateboarding. Seriously, he's perfect. Even his name is perfect. And I'd be really embarassed if he ever read this. But he won't.

I've got other stories like that one about Anthony Kiedis. I've got a few about Eminem and Chester (from Linkin Park). But I'll save them for another time.

L.

Speak Now.

So here's something you didn't see coming: I like Taylor Swift's music. Yeah, that's right. I like girly music. Country pop. I like pop music, yes. Believe me, I do. Still, no pop singer gets near my top 5 favorite bands/singers (except for Britney Spears, but she's like my idol!).

I do have a tiny little problem with Taylor's songs, though. After I fall in love with it,  I spend like several days listening to it non-stop, and then I finally stop and never listen to it again. I don't know why, but I really get tired of it. And I do try listening to it again, I don't know, but I can't make it through.

However, right now I'm still in love with it. She just released and album called 'Speak Now', in which there are lots of new songs, including songs about Taylor Lautner (hot) and John Mayer (not).

Overall, there really are songs worth falling in love with. They're thoughtful, they've got a lot of soul in them, you know ? She speaks from the heart. But I'm also starting to think she seeks drama. Haha. Her song for John Mayer (Dear John) didn't get my attention at all. But the one about Taylor Lautner (Back to December) was the first one I fell in love with. Then I fell for Speak Now, and then Better Than Revenge, and I'm currently in love with If This Was A Movie. 

I can't stop listening to it. I really can't! I spent all day this Sunday sewing these clothes, and listening to it non-stop. It's that catchy. It feels like gum. Real good gum, like those that are a bit acid but have got little bits of sugar in it, so you can't decide whether you love it or hate it, but you're pretty sure you can't live without it. Yeah, pretty much it.

My official review is that it's a good album, but just as good as her last two ones. You're not in for any surprise, neither a bad one, nor a good one.
Maybe that's why I get tired of it.

Anyway. I just hope she'll write a song about Jake Gyllenhaal, haha. That when they break up. I gotta say, Jake's brave. Because, video after video, song after song, I get more convinced that Taylor is obsessed with getting married. I don't know, but to me that's scary.

Btw, if she marries him, I'll kill her with my bare hands.

L.

And So We Meet Again.

Here's the thing -






(I gotta go to the groceries, I'll be right back -)
L.

Apparently Something's Going My Way.

I think I might complain a little too much. 'Cause I was visiting Mark's Twitter like I usually do, and he had tweeted about a new tour date. So I checked their site for every concert they'll be making next year.

It turns out Blink-182 will be playing in Berlin while I'm there. That's right! I'll finally get a chance to see BLINK-182! Dude, it's like, the dream. I mean, two years ago I didn't even think that was possible (but then again, they were still 'broken up'). And now I'm planning on watching them live! Berlin is the coolest city ever, really! I'm so happy! And if it wasn't for this stupid college project that is the most frustrating thing EVER, it'd be a really happy day (Giants have finally won another game, and have good chances of getting to the Playoffs).

Oh, yeah. I guess somethings do go my way.

L.

My Top 5 Favorite (And Least Favorite) NFL Teams.

The favorites:

01. New York Giants.

02. Seattle Seahawks.

03. Indianapolis Colts.

04. San Diego Chargers.

05. Minnesota Vikings.

And the least favorites:

01. New England Patriots.

02. Dallas Cowboys.

03. Green Bay Packers.

04. Philadelphia Ealges.

05. Pittsburgh Steelers.

For the record, I've only recently started hating the Steelers. And only because of the whole story with Big Ben. Until this season, they were one of my favorites. But what happened with Big Ben is just plain unacceptable to me. Just saying.

L.

One Of My Turns.

Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man
Night after night, we pretend it's all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.
And I can feel one of my turns coming on.

I feel cold as razor blade
Tight as a tourniquet
Dry as a funeral drum,
Run to the bedroom, in the suitcase on the left
You'll find my favourite axe
Don't look so frightened
This is just a passing phase
One of my bad days

Would you like to watch TV ?
Or get between the sheets ?
Or contemplate the silent freeway ?
Would you like something to eat ?
Would you like to learn to fly ?
Would you like to see me try ?
Would you like call the cops ?
Do you think it's time I stopped ?
Why are you running away ?

Pink Floyd, One Of My Turns.

L.

The Best Year To Give Thanks For.

Yeah, right. Let's go through my thanks, shall we ?

I want to thank all the good things that happened to me this year. I want to thank my great state of mind, the state of mind that's been killing me all year. I want to thank my professional life that's taken off, this was probably the best year of college. I want to thank the good luck I've had in love. Oh, yeah. Great luck. I've never been happier when it comes to my love life. No love at all. Awesome. Besides the unfulfilled crushes I had - and the loveless semester I've been having. I also wanna thank how great I look. I haven't looked this good in a long time. Long, long time. I've never felt so good in my own body or mind.

This year had potential to be the best year of my life, and it wasn't. It was terrible. All my thanks were ironic. All of them. Seriously, the only thing I've got to thank this year for is planning the next year.

But that's okay. I always thought life went a good year, a bad year, a good year, a bad year, and then on. So it's okay. I don't mind 2010 sucking if 2011 be a great year.

To top it, the thanksgiving day matched the year. It sucked. My college classes were fine. But I've been hating my Spanish class more and more each day. And then, when I was finally free from my spanish class, IT WAS RAINNING.

And then it took me two hours to get home. Yay. That's the reason why I went by the supermarket and bought myself chocolat, diet coke, trident and a cute coffee cup I've been wanting for a while.

Well. No turkey for today, though it's turkey day. No thanks today, but I wish, I really do wish, that your thanksgiving was better than mine (which isn't that hard, so -).

Either way, happy thanksgiving, everybody!

L.

The New Adventures Of My Laptop.

And by that I mean new series that I follow. Just another list:

01. Being Erica.

02. The Middle.

03. Better With You.

04. Mike and Molly.

05. Cougar Town.

06. The New Adventures of Old Christine.

07. Plain Jane.

08. Romantically Challenged.

09. 30 Rock.

10. Running Wilde.

And the old adventures:

01. Grey's Anatomy.

02. 90210.

03. Drop Dead Diva.

04. Two And A Half Men.

05. The Big Bang Theory.

These are the series I follow weekly (I know The New Adventures of Old Christine has already been canceled. But I'm crazy about it).

L.

I'd Go Back To December All The Time.

This will probably be a short post, since I've been kinda busy and I should probably go to bed in five minutes. I've actually come here to post a few links of great fashion blogs. There it go:
Young, Fat and Fabulous.
WishWishWish.
Saks In The City.
Big Or Not To Big.
Kylanite - The Fashion Bubble.
Le Blog De Big Beauty.
Frocks & Frou Frou.
Curvy Girl Chic.
All these blogs are about curvy fashion. Actually, curvy girls. And I love them. I love them because this is the real change in fashion. The 21st century fashion breakdown. For those of you who didn't know, this is the main change in fashion we'll experience. I couldn't be happier.
Although, it would help me if I could get on board with it. Right ?


L.

Gus Van Sant.

I guess everyone knows who Gus Van Sant is. For those of you who don't know, Gus Van Sant is a screenwriter and a director. And probably a thousand other things. And he's really good. He's directed (and written) Elephant (and other movies, like Last Days, Milk and Good Will Hunting. He also directed a music video that I love, Under The Bridge). I watched Elephant yesterday. And it's as great as any of his movies (that I've seen). It's been more than 24 hours that I've seen it and I still haven't stopped thinking about it.

Actually, I'm not gonna say anything about the movie. I watched it without knowing what was about, and I think that makes it even better. I just gotta say that this is one of the best movies I've ever watched. The photography, the way it was directed, the lines, everything. Especially the actors. I'm just gonna say that everyone should watch it (and there'll be some people who'll think it's too slow and too quiet, but it is one of the best movies I've ever watched).

Gus Van Sant is a great candidat for being my favorite movie director (for now, it's still Woody Allen).

L.

Why Tv Series Are Life-Changing (Part 2).

The ones from the other post:

01. Tyron Leitso - Being Erica.

02. Ian Somerhalder - The Vampire Diaries.

03. Hal Ozsan - 90210. 

04. Justin Chambers - Grey's Anatomy.

05. Daniel de Oliveira - Passione.

And the new ones:

06. Eric McCormack - Will and Grace. You'd think the fact that he plays a gay lawyer would throw me off. It really, really doesn't.
07. Josh Cooke - Better With You. The reason why I love this new series. Besides it being really funny. Isn't he adorable ?
08. Charlie McDermott - The Middle. Seriously. He's probably my favorite. Maybe not, since Justin Chambers is in this list. But he's so cute, so adorable, I want him for myself. Haha. Really. Where can I find him ?


L.

My Life According To RHCP.

So, this is from Facebook. But I loved it. Like, BIGTIME. So I brought it here.
I had to answer every question about my life with names of songs from Red Hot Chili Peppers. So this is how it went:

Pick your Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Are you a male or female: C'mon Girl
Describe yourself: No Chump Love Sucker
How do you feel: Dosed
Describe where you currently live: Road Trippin'
If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Around The World
Your favorite form of transportation: Police Helicopter
Your best friend? My Lovely Man
You and your best friend are: Naked In The Rain
What's the weather like: Wet Sand
Favorite time of day: Midnight
If your life was a TV show what would it be called? Soul To Squeeze
What is life to you: Freaky Style
Your relationship: Blood Sugar Sex Magik
Your fear: Breaking The Girl
What is the best advice you have to give: Don't Forget Me
Thought for the Day: Save The Population
My motto: Fight Like A Brave

I thought it'd be a lot harder than it was! I guess my life really runs according to Red Hot Chili Peppers. Awesome as it is.


L. 

I Can't Get No Satisfaction.

Why is staying home all day so appealing ? Why is it that most days I don't even wanna get out of bed ? What is so wrong with me ?

I was talking to a friend of mine today, and I told her that I wanted to be somewhere that's different from where I am. I wanted to be living a life that's a thousand times different than the one I'm living now. And that if I could change my body, that'd be the first thing I would change.

Why is it so hard for me to change ? To remember everytime I pick up some food I don't need, that I don't need it. I keep trying, non-stop. I keep trying, and trying. And I'm never getting there.

You know, most people have some part of their lives right. But I don't. I have no part of my life right. Think about. I'm not pretty, I'm not attractive. Really not. And I'm not smart. Not inteligent. I'm not good at writing, not good at math, not good at science. I'm just not good at anything. I have no talent. Whatsoever. I don't do anything well, specially when it comes to profession things. I'm not funny either. Or interesting. Since I can't do anything, nothing interesting has ever happened to me. And I never win anybody over by personailty, 'cause appearently I've got too much of it, and nobody can stand it. And I've left for last the one thing that bothers me the least: I'm not rich. But I could care more about that.

So. I've got nothing. And lately, I'm not even good at what I used to be good at. I'm not good at German class. And what used to make me happy, college, doesn't anymore.

I just have to hold on for a little longer. Just until I go to Europe.

One thing I gotta keep in mind: by traveling to Europe, I have to keep my body. So I either fix that problem here, or I'll drag it with me.

I really can't get no satisfaction.

L

I Guess It Could Be Worse.

I'm very insecure about (everything) my hair. And, looking up in google for some assurance, I've found this article, in which the woman said: "Besides, short hair can be sexy; it's just a certain type of sexy. The self-assured, powerful, “don't mess with me” kind. Having long hair is like wearing six-inch heels: it requires an awful lot of effort and seriously curtails your freedom. Perhaps that explains why Victoria Beckham recently had her hair cut short: it was either that, or the Louboutins had to go. She made the right choice."

(Sarah Vine for The Sunday Times website).

If only this would help me accepting my own hair..

L. 

'Til I Collapse.

"Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out/ Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth/ Till the smoke clears out and my high burns out/ I’ma rip this shit till my bone collapse/ Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out/ Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth/ Till the smoke clears out and my high burn out/ I’ma rip this shit till my bone collapse"

Yeah, that was pretty much how I was during Eminem's concert. Seriously, I had spent so long under rain and standing, by the time he got on stage, also under rain (he's fucking awesome!), I was barely alive. But then, all of the sudden, there I was, screaming at the tops of my lungs, crying as much as my eyes could stand, shaking from head to toe, feeling a sudden rush of heat go through my whole body. Song by song, word by word, I wore my voice and my heart out. He's the most gorgeous creature in the whole world. The most brillant. The most amazing. His voice, goddammit. He's nose. His eyes. Blue, clearly blue, even from distance (though I was as on the front as it was physically possible).

Total clichê, but I'm sure, a hundred per cent sure, there was a time he looked at me (which wasn't hard, I was really the at the front, really). And he held it for like two seconds. The two most amazing seconds in the whole universe. The whole world shook during those seconds. He felt the love. My love.

And his love, his love came in a different way. For some reason I'm not aware of, he sang my favorite song. Which is my favorite since I was 11 years old. A song that is so unknown, so hidden between famous songs in The Eminem Show, that I have no idea why the hell he sang it. Why did he sing it ? Why the hell did he sing my favorite song ?

Maybe it's because this is a match made in Heaven.

I'm not gonna call him god anymore, because that's a hell of a responsability for just one person. Right now, I just want him to be happy, relaxed, in peace with himself and the world (mostly because of Proof). I just want him to stay alive, to stay sober, to stay just as he is. 'Cause he's perfect just as he is.

"c'mon now, let's all get on down, 
let's do-si-do now, we gon' have a good ol' time
don't be scared, cus there ain't nothin' to worry 'bout,
let your hair down, and square dance with me!"



L.

There Is Too Much To Lose.

So today's Eminem concert here in São Paulo. So I've been dreaming about it since I was 11 years old (almost 9 years). So I'm not sure how I'm gonna react. And I'll be alone (damn, I'm always alone). When I went to McFly's concert, right before it (about two hours before it) I started crying my eyes out. Just for thinking that I was about to see them live. Seriously. I can't even imagine how today's gonna be. I mean, I can't cry before it. I'll be alone. People will think I'm sick or something. During the concert, I'm almost sure I'll cry. Reason why I need to take a mirror ('cause going to it without any make up on is out of the question).

Here's the thing. He's too surreal to me. I can't actually believe I'm gonna see him tonight. It's not because I've waited 9 years. It's because he's always been like god to me. Can you imagine seeing god ? And then keeping on living ? It's too weird for me to think that I'll actually get to see him tonight.

He's not just anybody. He's not just any other singer, or even rapper, to whose concert you go and sing along. That's absurd. Just plain absurd. 

The worst part for my whole believing deficit is that I'm gonna go at three o'clock (when the gates open), and wait until seven o'clock for the opening bands to perform. Em is said to get on stage at eleven o'clock. Seriously, I'll be standing from three to midnight, which is when he's said to be finished. 

But then again, I'll be seeing god. It'll totally be worth it (no doubt about it). It's just -

I have no idea what it is. Wait, maybe I do. Maybe my only problem is going alone. I didn't even try making a friend go. So. My problem.

Either way, I'll come back here when I get home after the concert. I'll come say that it was the best thing in the world. That he really is real! That it was the best feeling in the world.

I've made a promise that if I get to meet him, I'll attend every single class (from college to gym) until December, 14th (which is when my last class ends). What are the chances ?

L.

Being Erica

There's this site I always turn to when I don't  know what to read, it's called Lost in Chick Lit, that has a list of the coolest books in my favorite genre (chick lit, huh). And one day I was going through it, when I saw a post talking about this series. It said that the girl who was posting had finished every season of every series she watched, so she had heard of this one and decided to give it a try. Which is exactly what I did. And, guess what, I'm in love with it. Completely, helplessly, deeply in love with it! It's addicted. So addictive, it was five in the morning when I finished the first episode, and I only went to bed when I had watched every episode that had finished downloading. Like, seriously. It's what I always wanted, in a way.  Think about, she's a girl who's got nothing figured out. She's pretty, smart, funny but apparently blew every opportunity to making it big in life, you know ? She's 32 years old, she's stuck in a dead-end job and is single. She thinks she had everything to have been great, but she messed it up. And then this doctor comes along, his name is Dr. Tom. And he has this magic way of helping her figure her life out. He sends her back to some points in her life when she decided something she regrets now. She wrote a list and he's going item by item of it. I love things where people try to figure their life out - in a fun way. And I love even more when people travel in time (reason why I love Back to the Future). I've only watched three episodes, but I'm on my way to watching every other one, since I've got the whole two seasons and the begining of the third.Seriously, this series is a keeper. No doubt.

L.

Why Tv Series Are Life-Changing.

No specific order.

01. Tyron Leitso - Being Erica. Seriously. He's so dreamy and gorgeous, I melt everytime I see him.

02. Ian Somerhalder - The Vampire Diaries. I don't even watch VD anymore, but he's sure worth anything.

03. Hal Ozsan - 90210. Okay. So he plays a rappist. That's awful. But everytime I look at him, it's so disconcerting!

04. Justin Chambers - Grey's Anatomy. Yes, Alex Karev does make my life worthwhile.

05. Daniel de Oliveira - Passione. Okay, so he's from a brazilian soap-opera. But he deserves being here like every other, for the simple fact that just thinking about how gorgeous he is, it really makes me wanna cry.

So, there. That's why I spend my days watching series. It's really worth it. 

L.

I Guess It Pays To Be A Slacker.

I'm still sick. I'm feeling sick. And I've done all I could to get better, but I still think my house is a bit toxic. But one thing is for sure, I hate being sick and having to deal with all I deal with usually. I mean, tomorrow I have to be up at seven o'clock, then right after class I have to go to German class, then to the gym. Just thinking about it makes me hell tired. Seriously. I can't even climb the stairs to my house that I sweat like a pig and can't walk. How the hell am I gonna make it through the day tomorrow ?

I can't stop coughing and I've got a major headache. Can I stay home another day and don't seem too much of a slacker ? I'm not missing classes this week because I want to sleep. I'm missing classes because my head won't let me think. 

See, last week I went and watched every class. And not only did I watch every class, but I spent the weekend doing work for college. And where did it get me ? It got me sick. So. There. I should stay home.

I should really stay home. Think about it, if I go through tomorrow not being a hundred per cent, by the end of the day, I'll be even worse.

I'm taking this time off for my own health. Yes, for once, I'm putting my best interest first. Instead of, you know, choosing being a slacker for the sake of it.

L.

De Temps En Temps.

je me relève sous ton regard
je fais des rêves où tout va bien
je me bouscule, te prends la main
au crépuscule, je te rejoins
je me relève sous ton regard
je fais le rêve d'aller plus loin
je me bouscule, te prends la main
du crépuscule jusqu'au matin

 

 

 

 

[song by Gregory Lemarchal]
L.

Je Me Relève Sous Ton Regard.

I'm not okay. I'm sick. Literally sick. And I desperately need to drink this vitamin C thing and go to bed. But before that, I gotta say, Happy Birthday, Chad Smith!
My favorite drummer from my favorite band ever! Happy birthday! Do me a favor and live for another 49 years, okay ? Maybe even more!
So now I'm going to bed. Just one last thing: keep your fingers crossed, 'cause there's Giants at Cowboys tomorrow. Very important game.



L.
p.s. the title is from a song called 'De Temps En Temps', from the amazing, adorable and forever Gregory Lemarchal.

Ich spür dich nur noch schwach.

dein Schweigen - dein Schweigen spricht Bände.
jeder Tag beginnt, als wär er schon zu Ende.
allein zu sein, dazu bin ich vielleicht noch nicht bereit,

doch noch viel schlimmer als das ist die Einsamkeit zu Zweit.

[irgendwo anders, jennifer rostock]

L.

All Work, No Play.

What a mistake. [Inspired by Hilary Duff's song, 'No Work, All Play'.]

I'm always running after work. Work for college, homework for whatever language and even working out. I wake up at 7am, go to college, go to some language class, go to the gym, and then I come back at 9pm. I spend over 12 hours out most of the days. And most of the few hours I spend home are hours dedicated to the first two works. And what I'm saying is, all these kinds of work take all my time. Then when I go to Campinas on the weekend and I don't wanna go out at night (again, after spending all day doing work for college), my friends think I'm lazy. That I'm boring. Well, that I've been boring. Last holiday, my dad came to me and said, 'You should come with us to the movies. You know, to leave the house for a while'. But, mygod, all I wanted to do was not have to leave the house. I just wanted to spend, like, two days just making my way from the bedroom to the kitchen and vise-versa.

That's just what I think about when I'm coming home from the gym. That I love being home, doing nothing, like sleeping. And usually I only get to sleep five hours a day. It sucks that I have to go through another 14 hours feeling sleepy and tired all the time. I feel sleepy all the time. And I won't even get to sleep well this weekend because I have so much work from college! That's why I miss some classes from time to time. Because it's a bit too much. I'm a bit over my head. More than I'd like to admit. But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I'm always trying my fucking best to make it through. That's why I make stupid little promises. It's the only way for me to get through it all alive.

L.

p.s. I just polished my nails with Revlon's Midnight Affair. It is so not as blue as it looks there. It's pretty much black, but I'm in love with it. 

Affection.

it's not okay / it doesn't feel right / that i keep holding my breath / grasping for air / and you stay unaffected // i've tried so hard / to reach out to you / i never seem to touch you / i never get to feel you / and you stay unaffected // i can't measure my words / i won't back down / i'm not giving myself up / but you've let me down // it's so not fair / that i don't stand a chance / next to what you wanted / and i want you every day // i feel like you're somewhere else / though it seems like you're still here / i keep trying my hardest to please you / you never notice how this is killing me //

i counted my blessings

and you took me for granted

so, if this is goodbye

you must know how you affected me

[lyrics written by me]

L.

And Just Then The Wind Blew.

I find myself making stupid promises so funny. I mean, I said last week - no, wait. Two weeks ago - that I was gonna be miss 'Health Generation' (I actually used those exact words, irony hitting me). Some promise. I also promised I'd get in a diet and bla bla. And that combined with the fact that I overanalyze everything, I now spend my days trying to understand just why I can't keep my promises. I'm seriously looking for some highly deep psychological explanation. The thing is, there is none. No explanation whatsoever, besides the fact that I'm lazy. And not only am I lazy, I also have no will power. None.

It's very funny indeed, that I keep making these promises and I keep breaking them non stop. Some day I'll make some promise I'll keep. I mean, once I promised I'd attend every class during a whole week. I did keep it. Maybe I'll make it again this week. Every class - college and languages - and every gym class too. That's a good plan. I'm halfway there.

Yeah, like it's real easy for me to keep it.

L.

Kinda Addictive.

I shouldn't say 'kinda'. It's not just kinda. It's a lot. It's so addictive, I've been watching it every chance I get for a few weeks (probably six). I've even been dreaming about it. Every. Single. Night. That's very addictive. Right ?

But I can't help it. I really can't. Every episode makes you wish for more. Much more. So much more! It never satisfies you. Or me, in this case.

What is it really about ? Not really medicine. I mean, it is a bit about medicine. It even makes me want to go through medical school and try becoming a surgeon (crazy idea). But the most addictive part is definitely the relationships. The romantic relationships. The most complicated ones. The ones worth watching.

Funny. It's not every series that get me addicted just because of the relationships. House, for instance, made me lose interest in itself as soon as they began with the whole House-and-Cuddy thing. Makes me nauseous.

But Grey's Anatomy knows how to do it. It takes your breath away, Literally. Specially the couple Owen and Yang [photo]. They're my favorite couple ever [in Grey's, haha]. Many could be my favorite (like Alex and Izzie or, of course, Mer and Derek). But Owen and Yang are so helpless for each other, it's - there's no other word for it - breathtaking.

From time to time it makes me wish I had that. But watching it is the next best thing. Haha. And it suffices.

L

Underage Thinking.

This post is not about Teddy Geiger's album (though I love it).

I have a story to tell. Of when I was 14 years old.

So. I was 14 years old and I was in P.E. class. I was listening to the discman (good old times), and it was playing Backstreet Boys (yes, I like them. Haha, I'm not crazy about them, but I like them). Then it was my time to play. So I left it on the bench. And some boys of my class started listening and making fun of it (note: I didn't get offended. I never get offended. Especially like that. I like boys and how they make fun of nothing. Just saying). Then it was over and I went looking for the discman. And it was nowhere to be seen. So I panicked.

First, because it wasn't mine. And second, because the boys who had it weren't really my friends. I was kinda scared of them. Not scared, but scared, yeah. Haha. So I went to the one I was least scared of and asked him about it. He said this other guy had it. And I was definitely scared of that guy. But what choice did I have ?

So I went up to him. And I was walking on freaking eggshells, expecting him to tell me to go to hell. Expecting him to have left it anywhere and not even know where it was. I was expecting him to be rude, to treat me like I was stupid.

He treated me so nicely, he was so kind, that I spent the next year and a half in love with him. He told he had taken it to the Lost and Found. And, instead of just saying that, he went there with me to make sure I'd get it. And he even talked to me about music. He didn't treat me like I was stupid for liking that kind of music. He asked me what I liked, he answered, he really talked.

I was amazed. And after that, day after day, I watched him. I watched how he behaved, how he reacted to things, what he said. And I fell in love with him harder and harder each day. He was so kind, so smart, so different. Until one day I was sitting with my best friend at the door to our school, and about eight guys passed by us. He was one of them. And all of them were our friends. But he was the only one to say goodbye to us. And she turned to me and said, 'He's such a nice guy, isn't he ? None of the others even noticed us'.

After that I told her I was crazy about him.

Thinking about this whole story now makes me remember the feeling of liking him. It was a great year just for that. Just for liking him. Now I wish I had had the guts to act on it. Not that I'd ever have a chance, but still. I kinda did act on it eventually, but it was too late anyway. It still was a good year. It was a great feeling. And he never let me down. He was always such a good person.

Last year he came talk to me out of nowhere. It was great. Since then we talk once in a while.

The thing is, he's still very important to me. Very. And I care about him deeply. I haven't seen him in years, really years. And it was his birthday this 13th. And I forgot. I forgot because I was too busy not doing anything all day (which means, I was busy with college, German class and gym, from 7h30 am to 9h30 pm). But it's no excuse. He matters too much to be forgotten. So this is my redemption. I'm here, trying to prove that I care. I care enough that I remember the first day I talked to him. And I remember the feeling. And I miss it. And I'd go back in time just to have another chance of telling him how I felt. I'd go back in time this week too, just to have a chance of telling him how much I admire him. But I guess it's too late.

I just hope this makes up for it. If not, then I'll be willing to do anything to make up for it. Like, really.

L.

Counting My Blessings.

I guess happiness is scary. I always thought that it was scary because then we wouldn't have anything to live for. Like, anything to aim. But that's bullshit. We're humans. There's always gonna be something else that we want and we don't have. Kinda sad, really.

Happiness is scary, because you don't know any better. It's something you've never been through. Making your dreams come true is scary. Because once it's really happening, you've got no control and it's all new.

Tomorrow morning, right after class, I'll have to go to the french consulate to ask them if I can go to France without a visa (the thing is, I'll need a visa for Germany. But France and Spain, I'll be spending less than 90 days in each. So I have to go there and ask them if I'll need it anyway). They say I don't. But even if I don't, my dad wants me to ask them if I could get it anyway. It's scary. I don't even know how to get there, what to say. How to dress, even. Scary.

Another scary thing is that I'll have to go to Paris first. My plane leaves São Paulo to Paris. There I'll get on another plane to Frankfurt. In freaking Frankfurt, I'll have to find a Bahnhof to get me to Berlin. Yay. But think about it. I don't speak French. I don't speak German. I try like hell, but I cannot speak any of these languages. How the hell am I gonna get along with this whole getting-to-Berlin thing ?

I know what you're thinking. Just speak English. I'm not that kind of girl. You know, the kind that gets to Paris and tries getting along speaking English. I'll be alone. In Europe. I'll have to find my way to Berlin. I'm only 19 years old. I've never been anywhere before. Anywhere like that, at least. All new. Very scary.

And still, I'm counting the days to getting on that plane. I'm counting the days to leaving here. I'm counting every single day until I get things my way.

Let's see, 68 days till I don't have to go to college anymore. And four more days to Christmas (have I mentioned that I love Christmas ?). 113 days till I get to Europe. 21 till Eminem's concert.

I love numbers. Haha. No, I hate it.

I'm gonna go watch Grey's Anatomy, since I don't have Spanish class today (funny thing, something tells me I won't have any problems in Spain).

God, I love Spanish. For what it's worth, German class yesterday was great. I felt like I could really understand what was going on. And, truth is, I usually don't have much problem with French anyway.

While I'll go watch Grey's Anatomy (which I love with all my heart), you should listen to the song Trouble is a Friend, from Lenka. I heard it first in Grey's Anatomy. Perfect moment, perfect scene.

So. Take care and don't be too scared. Dreams coming true is always good.

L.

Recovery.

Welcome y'all to the best album from the best rapper (and person) in the world! See, the tracklist goes a little like this: Cold Wind Blows, Talkin' 2 Myself, On Fire, Won't Back Down (feat. Pink), W.T.P., Going Through Changes, Not Afraid, Seduction, No Love (feat. Lil Wayne), Space Bound, Cinderella Man, 25 to life, So Bad, Almost Famous, Love The Way You Lie, You're Never Over, Untitled and the bonus, Ridaz.

And out of 18 songs, I love - from the bottom of my heart, with all my being - 16 of them. The only two ones that don't deserve much attention are Won't Back Down and W.T.P. But the rest, MAN, the REST! This might easily be my favorite of his albuns. His best work. He's a fucking genius!

I can't take it. He's too good! It's absurd! Song by song, every single second of them, it drives me insane! It's been more than a week that I've been listening to it almost constantly - and I can't get enough! He's the best. He's the FREAKING BEST! (Except for RHCP, but let's not dwell on it.)

Every single song is worth listening (save the two I've mentioned before).

He's freaking god.

L.

F1 Really Does Rock! (Thank GOD!)

First, I'll explain the title. F1 Rocks is a music festival that will happen on November, 5th this year. And Eminem will come. EMINEM! Like, the DREAM! The guy I call 'my GOD' (see the title ?). Damn, is my life good! And my dad even bought me the most expensive ticket possible, just so I can stay as close to him as possible. And believe me, I'll fight my ass off to get as close to him as FREAKING POSSIBLE.

I have to talk about his latest album. See you on the next post.

L.

Damn Right, I'm a Maniac.

I woke up backwards today. Like, backwards. I was angry at everything, I was jealous of everyone, I got irritated by everything, I hated everything. This was supposed to have been a great day and it was just..eh. And besides such major desapointment, I just went to the gym to get my physical evaluation, and I've found out that I'm really, really fat. Well, fatter than I thought I was. And that I'm shorter too. Which is fine, 'cause sometimes I wish I was a tiny little bit shorter. But I also wish my numbers were higher. Whatever.

Why do I have to be fat ? I wish I had anything to work out at home. I wish I could work out 24/7. Seriously, next week I'll be Miss Health Generation. Or Miss I-wanna-lose-as-much-weight-as-I-possibly-can. I'm gonna try my hardest. My freaking hardest.

Now, what do I do about the stress ? I mean, I have been doing works and papers for college non-stop (reason why I haven't written here much). But it's all done now. And this was supposed to be the best day ever (that until November, 5th of this year). It wasn't even close. I had to hold myself back a hundred times not to punch everyone. I'm sick, seriously.

Wait, that reminds me of that song, Break Stuff from Limp Bizkit. Freaking PERFECT! I'm using the lyrics. I'm writing them here. By heart, ok ?

It's just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up. Everything's fucked. Everybody sucks. You don't really know why, but you wanna justify ripping someone's head off. No human contact. And if you interact, your life is on contract. Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker. It's just one of those days. 

My thoughts exactly.

L.

Life Lessons From Tomb Raider.

'Cause there are many. Really.

I mean, I know one. And I'm gonna talk about one. But if I find any other, I'll keep you posted.

So. Here's the thing. I was playing Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness (for the second time) and I remembered that once I had thought about this lesson. It's like this. Everytime I get to a new part, I simply can't pass. I've never passed any part without having to try over and over (I'm not really good with games). But then I try again. And I try some new way of doing it. So I get closer. Then I try again and get even closer. And then, after strugling, trying after trying after trying, I get it! I pass! And then a new part comes up, and I can't do it. But each time that I try, I get closer to it. Until I've made it.

So that's the lesson. Don't give up. Just try again. Try harder. 'Cause you'll get it.

Funny that it took me Tomb Raider for me to learn that.

L.

Now I'm a Believer.

It's 3h40 in the morning. I just woke up. I had fallen asleep around nine o'clock, watching the political hour (does that expression even exist ?) and then woke up at 3 o'clock. Which means that my body actually believes that it should only sleep six hours a day. Go, Laura.

2011 will definitely be the best year of my life (if I don't die during - or even before - it, of course). I mean, think about it. I'll be traveling to Berlin in February, 6th. A week after my classes will have started (ok, not really my classes, since I won't do my third year next year). That means I will have had the same vacation I would have had if I were to stay in Brazil. And then, when I come back in November (by the way, ever heard the song November from Juli ? Maginificent), I won't have classes until next February. Which means, three months of vacation (which is only fair, since I won't have vacations in July). FASM should really allow their students to have more vacation time. It's hard work all year long, and then we have one short month out and BAM, we have to come back and do it all again.

I did everything I had to do today just to find out that the work I was handing in tomorrow has been postponed. I'm not complaining.

I think I'll watch a Grey's Anatomy episode. Yeah, it'll be fun! I just have to make sure I won't wake up anybody (I've got a friend staying the night).

L.

Some Weekend for the NFL.

QB Peyton Manning (Colts) and QB Eli Manning (Giants)

First of all, I'd like to say that I simply hated the family reunion last night. I mean, Giants lost with 14 against 38 points from Colts. Seriously, it was beyond ridiculous and I did expect a little more humanity from Peyton Manning. But ok. It's ok. You know why it's ok? 

Because it was a hell of a weekend for the teams I hate too. Dallas Cowboys lost against Chicaco Bears. New England Patriots lost against New York Jets. And they had scored 14 points against 28 from the Jets. So it was a hell of a lost too (of course that the Giants one was way worse, but let's forget about it). 

I just hope that next week will be better. For me, of course.

L.

Dear Bad Luck In Game,

why are you so ironic ?

I'll admit that I had luck with Giants when I first started rooting for them. And it was a pretty good win. Like, really (someday I'll talk about it in here. It's freaking awesome). But after that, they just got worse (I'm hoping this year will be better). Bad luck.

Then last year, after watching too many football matches, I decided I need to root for a team. Then I thought, "what's the coolest football team in Brazil?" and I simply couldn't deny that Palmeiras was already my favorite. And after that, they started losing quite so often (they're playing right now against their rival and - guess what! - they're losing). Real bad luck.

And this year, of course, after watching the World Cup (which I love with all my heart - most of it because of so many hot football players), I decided to root for Liverpool. Mostly because they have Daniel Agger (hot) in its team (and also because it'll be hard to root for Mesut Özil, since he's so good and will probably be sold a hundred times). And guess what! Just guess how great Liverpool has been doing!

Seriously, am I fated to always lose in game ? Because, let me tell you, I don't have much luck in love either. So, really, it's not fair. The universe could at least make up for it in another area of my life.

And, like I've complained before, today there's Giants at Colts and I won't be able to watch it. Wow, life's unfair.

L.

The Top 10 Best Songs Ever Written.

In my opinion, at least. 

01. Hotel California - The Eagles.

02. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen.

03. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin.

04. Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead.

05. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd.

06. My Way - Elvis Presley.

07. Father and Son - Cat Stevens.

08. Thick as a Brick - Jethro Tull.

09. Baba O'Riley - The Who.

10. Let It Be - The Beatles.

And, for the record, I'm not really a Beatles fan. Not at all.

L.

April, 12th of 2010

So I need to drink. And I need to dance. And I know tomorrow it'll all be waiting for me, just waiting to blow up in my face. But for now, just now, I'm gonna pretend I've already handed in all my works. I'm gonna pretend that I have money. I'm gonna pretend my apartment is cool, organized and adorable. I'm gonna pretend I CAN put on the weight from all the beer. I'm gonna pretend I don't have Spanish class tomorrow. I'm gonna pretend he's in love with me. I'm gonna pretend I'm lucky, I'm great, I'm fine.
I'm gonna pretend it's okay.



Straight from my diary.
L.

The Five Stages of Grief.

According to Elisabeth Kubler Ross when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through 5 distinct stages of grief. We go into denial, because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain, we beg, we plead. We offer everything we have. We offer up our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed, and the anger is too hard to maintain we fall into depression. Despair. Until finally, we have to accept that we have done everything we can. We let go. We let go, and move into acceptance.

Grey's Anatomy, [S06E01]

L.

Drop Dead Diva.

Drop Dead Diva is brought to Brazil by Sony. Just for the record. It goes on air at Wednesdays at nine o'clock pm (if I'm not mistaken - which I don't think I am). It's currently reprising the first season, but I think the second one will go on air in October.

Anyway, I was watching the second season (I won't tell you how I got it) and I realized something. It's pretty much the same every episode. Little change from episode to episode. The big picture stays intact. And that's what great series do. Like Friends, for instance. It's that kind of series that you can pick up from anywhere and still enjoy it. Besides, in addiction, you may even get some life lessons. Which is a great bonus.
But what I like the most about it is the Grayson-issue. Haha. You know, I want her to get together with him and, therefore, I keep hoping for them every episode I watch. Lately, they haven't really gotten anywhere, so I'd say they need a boost. But I'd pretty much love this series no matter what happens in it. I mean, come on! It's about a former aspiring model who died and, after refusing to stay dead, came back to life in the body of a larger lawyer. What's not to love ?

L.

Top 10 Next Movies I'll Watch.

01. It's complicated ('Simplesmente complicado').
02. Grind.
03. Killers ('Par perfeito').
04. The Bounty Hunter ('O caçador de recompensas').
05. Green Street Hooligans 2 ('Hooligans 2' - even though everyone thinks it sucks).
06. The Time Traveler's Wife ('Te amarei para sempre').
07. When Harry Met Sally ('Harry e Sally').
08. And Your Mother Too ('Y tu mamá también' - I already love it. It's got Diego Luna and Gael García Bernal. What's not to love ?).
09. Dear John ('Querido John').
10. The proposal ('A proposta').

Yesterday I watched Did You Hear About The Morgans ? ('Cadê os Morgan?'). I love Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant. Really do.

L.

Y tu mamá también.

I'm a mess. Complete mess. It's really funny that the days I decided to miss my class (just for ditching, no other reason) are the days I am at my most responsable self - IN MY HOUSE. Like, it's when I do my papers, clean my apartment, pay the bills, that kind of thing.
So I'm a mess, 'cause I'm unpredictable and espontaneous. Two things I used to think that were good. 
Why do I do that ? Why am I like that ? Don't I know that ditching class always comes back to bite me in the ass ?
I really have nothing more to say. Maybe I'll write a list.

L.

La di da.

Good morning, everybody. It's ten fifty in the morning and I just came back from college. Isn't it wonderful when you simply don't have half of your classes and you get to go back home and sleep (until it's time to wake up and get to your Spanish class) ? It is. Bien sûr.
You know, it only takes one passionate person to set your path straight. I had absolutely no idea what I was gonna do for this subject, and then this substitute teacher came and lighted it all up. And now, not only do I know what to do, I also want to do it. Talk about unexpected! Haha.
Besides, while this teacher was talking, I started thinking about the career I chose. Turns out college is probably the only place where I'll get the chance to plan a whole collection for a long time. Because, once I finish college, I'll start from the bottom. And then it'll be years until I get to actually do it again. So, from now on, every collection I might have to plan, I'll seize it. It might be my last! (Not really last - since the last one is in the last year and stuff - but one of the only ones.)
It's with that spirit that I'm gonna take a nap now.
(In my defense, I only slept for a few five hours this night. It is in my right to take a nap now! Agree ?)
By the way, I can't forget that I need to buy cotton and virgin dvds. My HD is already full (yes, I fill it with crap every day).
Take care.

L.

The Second Semester Is Always The Best One.

And it's all because of NFL.
NFL is the national football league (see ? NFL. Haha) from USA. Most of people who can read this blog probably already knows this. But for those of you who don't, that's what it is. And it's the best thing in the whole year. I seriously wait since February till August for it. Eagerly.
But the thing is, I don't have ESPN here in São Paulo (I know, it hurts me every day). And every day that I go to Campinas, either there's no game or it's something like Chiefs at. Rams. Seriously. And this weekend specially it'll be Giants at Colts. I mean, COME ON! It's freaking GIANTS VS. COLTS! It's Eli Manning vs. Peyton Manning. Which is the COOLEST thing ever! They're brothers (and I love both of them - though Eli really is the love of my life). And I have to come back to Sampa on Sunday, since I hate my drawing classes from Monday (which means that I've missed many of them over the past few months). Life is so unfair.
So. I just came here to cry a little bit. I think I'll watch a movie now. Hopefully I'll be all up and about in the morning. I can't miss the first class I have on Tuesdays. Haha, I'm so proud of myself.
I just wonder how I'll be able to keep a journal and a blog at the same time.

L.

Because It All Begins Again.

It's six in the morning and I have to get dressed to go to college. I know I had decided it, you know, to stay up all night. But the thing is, I wanna go to bed. The last thing I want right now is to go to FASM, see Novelli or even Feres and draw. Who'd have known that one day just the thought of drawing would bring me down ? And what's worse, after that I still have to get through three classes of (what I like to call) nothing. Just to get back home and sleep my way through most of the afternoon. And then wake up and go back to college to try doing part of all the work I have to (and don't want to) do.
It seems like lately all I've been doing is making through things. Sophomore year is a whole lot different than Freshman. What wouldn't I give to be a freshman (or should I say 'girl' ?) again! Every time I steped inside FASM last year was so amazing to me, was so memorable. And now it's not even routine anymore. It's pointless. It really brings me down. I used to go there three hours before my classes started. And now I get there everyday five minutes late and can't wait to get out.
I can't wait to go abroad. I just have to remind myself that either there or here, it doesn't matter where, I'd still be me.
But, you know, maybe the french will like me better than the brazilians do. Or maybe the german. Or spanish. Maybe I'll fit in.
I'm going to college now. I hope I make it through.

P.s. I figure I need commitment to reach any goal I might have. That's why I'll talk about it in here. I want to lose seven kg. I've got two months for it. Totally doable, if I actually follow this kind of dieting I've tried before. 60 days to go, 7 kg to lose.

L.

5 Reasons Why People Sleep During The Night.

01. Because somebody once decided that we'd live during the day, therefore nothing is open during the night.
02. Because time goes by absurdly slowly at nighttime. It feels like you're dragging yourself through the hours.
03. Because apparently our body sees darkness as time to sleep. And it's pretty hard fighting against your body.
04. Because there are no good television shows at night. Not after midnight. Not unless you're looking for porn (which I never am).
And last but not least,
05. because, truth is, when the sun rises and you realize you've made through the whole night, you get really sleepy - and then your alarm goes off and you have to go to college (or work, what's worse).

L.

The Top 10 Movies I've Watched This Weekend

01. Salt (which is features the 'Top 10 Favorite Movies EVER', which I'll post soon).
02. Date Night ('Uma noite fora de série').
03. The Back-up Plan ('O plano B').
04. The Princess and the Frog ('A Princesa e o Sapo' - that's right).
05. Valentine's Day ('Idas e Vindas do Amor').
06. Julie & Julia.
07. 17 Again ('17 Outra vez' - how can Zac Efron be that HOT ?).
08. Definitely, Maybe ('Três vezes amor').
09. Music and Lyrics ('Letra e música').
And last but not least,
10. Letters to Juliet ('Cartas para Julieta').

So you can see how this weekend was productive. No wonder I feel so numb.

L.

The Top 10 Songs I've Been Listening to.

01. Así soy yo - El Cuarteto de Nos
02. Just a Lil' Bit - 50 Cent
03. Turn it up - Paris Hilton (yes, I love it)
04. Runaway - Zebrahead
05. No love - Eminem feat. Lil Wayne
06. Fragile - Maria Mena
07. The Getaway - Hilary Duff
08. No Veneno - Strike
09. Irgendwo Anders - Jennifer Rostock (I don't think I'll ever stop listening to this song)
10. Around the World - Red Hot Chili Peppers

You can be sure of one thing, Red Hot will always be there. Always with me.

L.

Así Soy Yo.

no tengo penas, ni tengo amores. y así no sufro de sinsabores.
con todo el mundo, estoy a mano. como no juego, ni pierdo ni gano.
no tengo mucho, ni tengo poco. como no opino, no me equivoco.
y como metas, yo no me trazo. nunca supe lo que es un fracaso.

alegría y tristeza es lo mismo para mí que no me interesa sentir.
porque en el ángulo de la vida, yo he decidido ser la bisectriz.

no me involucro, en la pareja. y así no sufro cuando me dejan.
a nadie quise, jamás en serio. y entonces nunca lloro en los entierros.
no pasa nada, si no me muevo. por eso todo me chupan un huevo.
y no me mata, la indecisión, si 'should i stay' o 'should i go'.

ojos que no ven corazón que no siente, dije un ciego cornudo una vez.
yo no soy como hamlet perez. no me importa nada si ser o no ser.

dirán algunos, 'hay que insensible'. otros dirán, 'que fácil simple'.
y esas palabras, las lleva el viento. como no escucho, no me caliento.
no estoy ni arriba ni abajo. ya ni mejoro ni voy a empeorar.
y como nunca empiezo nada, no me pone ansioso poder terminar.

así soy yo.
[el cuarteto de nos]

L.

I've got nothing figured out.

Sometimes I wish I had a good reason why I avoid getting out of my house. I wanted a reason why I keep eating when I'm not hungry. I really need a reason why I miss so many classes and never feel good in my own skin. But the one thing I need a reason to failing at the most is being grateful.

I guess when you can't seem to know who you are, it's that much harder to be grateful. Once I decided that I'd never be the kind of person who only realizes what she had when it's gone. And since then, I've told every one of my friends that I love them when I felt like it. I fear being ungrateful every second of my life. And therefore I feel guilty every other second. And yes, I feel bad almost all the time.

I keep telling myself that I can get anything I set my mind to (and I truthfully believe it). But the thing is, I can never set my mind to anything. And I keep failing in everything. 

I've got friends who ignore it when I try to tell them that I need help. I've got friends who comfort me. And I've got friends who tell me I just have to do it. I just have to change. That there's no magic solution to it.

I'm not looking for a magic solution. I'll admit that once I thought that was what I wanted. But it isn't. It really isn't. I just want something that'd heal me. That'd put me back on my feet. And I don't have it. I don't even know what it is. And something keeps me from looking for it.

And that's the fear of being ungrateful. Because, after all I've got, feeling empty is ungrateful.

But I have to stop that. Feeling guilty, feeling empty. I have to stop fearing being ungrateful. 

People never tell me what I want to hear. They never told me I was beautiful, and therefore I can't feel comfortable in my own skin. They never told me I had any talent, and class after class I feel like I'll never be able to do anything well. Maybe all I need is a little bit of feedback. Or lying. I know I need motivation. I just never thought I wasn't the one who had to motivate me.

L.