I Guess It Pays To Be A Slacker.

I'm still sick. I'm feeling sick. And I've done all I could to get better, but I still think my house is a bit toxic. But one thing is for sure, I hate being sick and having to deal with all I deal with usually. I mean, tomorrow I have to be up at seven o'clock, then right after class I have to go to German class, then to the gym. Just thinking about it makes me hell tired. Seriously. I can't even climb the stairs to my house that I sweat like a pig and can't walk. How the hell am I gonna make it through the day tomorrow ?

I can't stop coughing and I've got a major headache. Can I stay home another day and don't seem too much of a slacker ? I'm not missing classes this week because I want to sleep. I'm missing classes because my head won't let me think. 

See, last week I went and watched every class. And not only did I watch every class, but I spent the weekend doing work for college. And where did it get me ? It got me sick. So. There. I should stay home.

I should really stay home. Think about it, if I go through tomorrow not being a hundred per cent, by the end of the day, I'll be even worse.

I'm taking this time off for my own health. Yes, for once, I'm putting my best interest first. Instead of, you know, choosing being a slacker for the sake of it.

L.

De Temps En Temps.

je me relève sous ton regard
je fais des rêves où tout va bien
je me bouscule, te prends la main
au crépuscule, je te rejoins
je me relève sous ton regard
je fais le rêve d'aller plus loin
je me bouscule, te prends la main
du crépuscule jusqu'au matin

 

 

 

 

[song by Gregory Lemarchal]
L.

Je Me Relève Sous Ton Regard.

I'm not okay. I'm sick. Literally sick. And I desperately need to drink this vitamin C thing and go to bed. But before that, I gotta say, Happy Birthday, Chad Smith!
My favorite drummer from my favorite band ever! Happy birthday! Do me a favor and live for another 49 years, okay ? Maybe even more!
So now I'm going to bed. Just one last thing: keep your fingers crossed, 'cause there's Giants at Cowboys tomorrow. Very important game.



L.
p.s. the title is from a song called 'De Temps En Temps', from the amazing, adorable and forever Gregory Lemarchal.

Ich spür dich nur noch schwach.

dein Schweigen - dein Schweigen spricht Bände.
jeder Tag beginnt, als wär er schon zu Ende.
allein zu sein, dazu bin ich vielleicht noch nicht bereit,

doch noch viel schlimmer als das ist die Einsamkeit zu Zweit.

[irgendwo anders, jennifer rostock]

L.

All Work, No Play.

What a mistake. [Inspired by Hilary Duff's song, 'No Work, All Play'.]

I'm always running after work. Work for college, homework for whatever language and even working out. I wake up at 7am, go to college, go to some language class, go to the gym, and then I come back at 9pm. I spend over 12 hours out most of the days. And most of the few hours I spend home are hours dedicated to the first two works. And what I'm saying is, all these kinds of work take all my time. Then when I go to Campinas on the weekend and I don't wanna go out at night (again, after spending all day doing work for college), my friends think I'm lazy. That I'm boring. Well, that I've been boring. Last holiday, my dad came to me and said, 'You should come with us to the movies. You know, to leave the house for a while'. But, mygod, all I wanted to do was not have to leave the house. I just wanted to spend, like, two days just making my way from the bedroom to the kitchen and vise-versa.

That's just what I think about when I'm coming home from the gym. That I love being home, doing nothing, like sleeping. And usually I only get to sleep five hours a day. It sucks that I have to go through another 14 hours feeling sleepy and tired all the time. I feel sleepy all the time. And I won't even get to sleep well this weekend because I have so much work from college! That's why I miss some classes from time to time. Because it's a bit too much. I'm a bit over my head. More than I'd like to admit. But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I'm always trying my fucking best to make it through. That's why I make stupid little promises. It's the only way for me to get through it all alive.

L.

p.s. I just polished my nails with Revlon's Midnight Affair. It is so not as blue as it looks there. It's pretty much black, but I'm in love with it. 

Affection.

it's not okay / it doesn't feel right / that i keep holding my breath / grasping for air / and you stay unaffected // i've tried so hard / to reach out to you / i never seem to touch you / i never get to feel you / and you stay unaffected // i can't measure my words / i won't back down / i'm not giving myself up / but you've let me down // it's so not fair / that i don't stand a chance / next to what you wanted / and i want you every day // i feel like you're somewhere else / though it seems like you're still here / i keep trying my hardest to please you / you never notice how this is killing me //

i counted my blessings

and you took me for granted

so, if this is goodbye

you must know how you affected me

[lyrics written by me]

L.

And Just Then The Wind Blew.

I find myself making stupid promises so funny. I mean, I said last week - no, wait. Two weeks ago - that I was gonna be miss 'Health Generation' (I actually used those exact words, irony hitting me). Some promise. I also promised I'd get in a diet and bla bla. And that combined with the fact that I overanalyze everything, I now spend my days trying to understand just why I can't keep my promises. I'm seriously looking for some highly deep psychological explanation. The thing is, there is none. No explanation whatsoever, besides the fact that I'm lazy. And not only am I lazy, I also have no will power. None.

It's very funny indeed, that I keep making these promises and I keep breaking them non stop. Some day I'll make some promise I'll keep. I mean, once I promised I'd attend every class during a whole week. I did keep it. Maybe I'll make it again this week. Every class - college and languages - and every gym class too. That's a good plan. I'm halfway there.

Yeah, like it's real easy for me to keep it.

L.

Kinda Addictive.

I shouldn't say 'kinda'. It's not just kinda. It's a lot. It's so addictive, I've been watching it every chance I get for a few weeks (probably six). I've even been dreaming about it. Every. Single. Night. That's very addictive. Right ?

But I can't help it. I really can't. Every episode makes you wish for more. Much more. So much more! It never satisfies you. Or me, in this case.

What is it really about ? Not really medicine. I mean, it is a bit about medicine. It even makes me want to go through medical school and try becoming a surgeon (crazy idea). But the most addictive part is definitely the relationships. The romantic relationships. The most complicated ones. The ones worth watching.

Funny. It's not every series that get me addicted just because of the relationships. House, for instance, made me lose interest in itself as soon as they began with the whole House-and-Cuddy thing. Makes me nauseous.

But Grey's Anatomy knows how to do it. It takes your breath away, Literally. Specially the couple Owen and Yang [photo]. They're my favorite couple ever [in Grey's, haha]. Many could be my favorite (like Alex and Izzie or, of course, Mer and Derek). But Owen and Yang are so helpless for each other, it's - there's no other word for it - breathtaking.

From time to time it makes me wish I had that. But watching it is the next best thing. Haha. And it suffices.

L

Underage Thinking.

This post is not about Teddy Geiger's album (though I love it).

I have a story to tell. Of when I was 14 years old.

So. I was 14 years old and I was in P.E. class. I was listening to the discman (good old times), and it was playing Backstreet Boys (yes, I like them. Haha, I'm not crazy about them, but I like them). Then it was my time to play. So I left it on the bench. And some boys of my class started listening and making fun of it (note: I didn't get offended. I never get offended. Especially like that. I like boys and how they make fun of nothing. Just saying). Then it was over and I went looking for the discman. And it was nowhere to be seen. So I panicked.

First, because it wasn't mine. And second, because the boys who had it weren't really my friends. I was kinda scared of them. Not scared, but scared, yeah. Haha. So I went to the one I was least scared of and asked him about it. He said this other guy had it. And I was definitely scared of that guy. But what choice did I have ?

So I went up to him. And I was walking on freaking eggshells, expecting him to tell me to go to hell. Expecting him to have left it anywhere and not even know where it was. I was expecting him to be rude, to treat me like I was stupid.

He treated me so nicely, he was so kind, that I spent the next year and a half in love with him. He told he had taken it to the Lost and Found. And, instead of just saying that, he went there with me to make sure I'd get it. And he even talked to me about music. He didn't treat me like I was stupid for liking that kind of music. He asked me what I liked, he answered, he really talked.

I was amazed. And after that, day after day, I watched him. I watched how he behaved, how he reacted to things, what he said. And I fell in love with him harder and harder each day. He was so kind, so smart, so different. Until one day I was sitting with my best friend at the door to our school, and about eight guys passed by us. He was one of them. And all of them were our friends. But he was the only one to say goodbye to us. And she turned to me and said, 'He's such a nice guy, isn't he ? None of the others even noticed us'.

After that I told her I was crazy about him.

Thinking about this whole story now makes me remember the feeling of liking him. It was a great year just for that. Just for liking him. Now I wish I had had the guts to act on it. Not that I'd ever have a chance, but still. I kinda did act on it eventually, but it was too late anyway. It still was a good year. It was a great feeling. And he never let me down. He was always such a good person.

Last year he came talk to me out of nowhere. It was great. Since then we talk once in a while.

The thing is, he's still very important to me. Very. And I care about him deeply. I haven't seen him in years, really years. And it was his birthday this 13th. And I forgot. I forgot because I was too busy not doing anything all day (which means, I was busy with college, German class and gym, from 7h30 am to 9h30 pm). But it's no excuse. He matters too much to be forgotten. So this is my redemption. I'm here, trying to prove that I care. I care enough that I remember the first day I talked to him. And I remember the feeling. And I miss it. And I'd go back in time just to have another chance of telling him how I felt. I'd go back in time this week too, just to have a chance of telling him how much I admire him. But I guess it's too late.

I just hope this makes up for it. If not, then I'll be willing to do anything to make up for it. Like, really.

L.

Counting My Blessings.

I guess happiness is scary. I always thought that it was scary because then we wouldn't have anything to live for. Like, anything to aim. But that's bullshit. We're humans. There's always gonna be something else that we want and we don't have. Kinda sad, really.

Happiness is scary, because you don't know any better. It's something you've never been through. Making your dreams come true is scary. Because once it's really happening, you've got no control and it's all new.

Tomorrow morning, right after class, I'll have to go to the french consulate to ask them if I can go to France without a visa (the thing is, I'll need a visa for Germany. But France and Spain, I'll be spending less than 90 days in each. So I have to go there and ask them if I'll need it anyway). They say I don't. But even if I don't, my dad wants me to ask them if I could get it anyway. It's scary. I don't even know how to get there, what to say. How to dress, even. Scary.

Another scary thing is that I'll have to go to Paris first. My plane leaves São Paulo to Paris. There I'll get on another plane to Frankfurt. In freaking Frankfurt, I'll have to find a Bahnhof to get me to Berlin. Yay. But think about it. I don't speak French. I don't speak German. I try like hell, but I cannot speak any of these languages. How the hell am I gonna get along with this whole getting-to-Berlin thing ?

I know what you're thinking. Just speak English. I'm not that kind of girl. You know, the kind that gets to Paris and tries getting along speaking English. I'll be alone. In Europe. I'll have to find my way to Berlin. I'm only 19 years old. I've never been anywhere before. Anywhere like that, at least. All new. Very scary.

And still, I'm counting the days to getting on that plane. I'm counting the days to leaving here. I'm counting every single day until I get things my way.

Let's see, 68 days till I don't have to go to college anymore. And four more days to Christmas (have I mentioned that I love Christmas ?). 113 days till I get to Europe. 21 till Eminem's concert.

I love numbers. Haha. No, I hate it.

I'm gonna go watch Grey's Anatomy, since I don't have Spanish class today (funny thing, something tells me I won't have any problems in Spain).

God, I love Spanish. For what it's worth, German class yesterday was great. I felt like I could really understand what was going on. And, truth is, I usually don't have much problem with French anyway.

While I'll go watch Grey's Anatomy (which I love with all my heart), you should listen to the song Trouble is a Friend, from Lenka. I heard it first in Grey's Anatomy. Perfect moment, perfect scene.

So. Take care and don't be too scared. Dreams coming true is always good.

L.

Recovery.

Welcome y'all to the best album from the best rapper (and person) in the world! See, the tracklist goes a little like this: Cold Wind Blows, Talkin' 2 Myself, On Fire, Won't Back Down (feat. Pink), W.T.P., Going Through Changes, Not Afraid, Seduction, No Love (feat. Lil Wayne), Space Bound, Cinderella Man, 25 to life, So Bad, Almost Famous, Love The Way You Lie, You're Never Over, Untitled and the bonus, Ridaz.

And out of 18 songs, I love - from the bottom of my heart, with all my being - 16 of them. The only two ones that don't deserve much attention are Won't Back Down and W.T.P. But the rest, MAN, the REST! This might easily be my favorite of his albuns. His best work. He's a fucking genius!

I can't take it. He's too good! It's absurd! Song by song, every single second of them, it drives me insane! It's been more than a week that I've been listening to it almost constantly - and I can't get enough! He's the best. He's the FREAKING BEST! (Except for RHCP, but let's not dwell on it.)

Every single song is worth listening (save the two I've mentioned before).

He's freaking god.

L.

F1 Really Does Rock! (Thank GOD!)

First, I'll explain the title. F1 Rocks is a music festival that will happen on November, 5th this year. And Eminem will come. EMINEM! Like, the DREAM! The guy I call 'my GOD' (see the title ?). Damn, is my life good! And my dad even bought me the most expensive ticket possible, just so I can stay as close to him as possible. And believe me, I'll fight my ass off to get as close to him as FREAKING POSSIBLE.

I have to talk about his latest album. See you on the next post.

L.

Damn Right, I'm a Maniac.

I woke up backwards today. Like, backwards. I was angry at everything, I was jealous of everyone, I got irritated by everything, I hated everything. This was supposed to have been a great day and it was just..eh. And besides such major desapointment, I just went to the gym to get my physical evaluation, and I've found out that I'm really, really fat. Well, fatter than I thought I was. And that I'm shorter too. Which is fine, 'cause sometimes I wish I was a tiny little bit shorter. But I also wish my numbers were higher. Whatever.

Why do I have to be fat ? I wish I had anything to work out at home. I wish I could work out 24/7. Seriously, next week I'll be Miss Health Generation. Or Miss I-wanna-lose-as-much-weight-as-I-possibly-can. I'm gonna try my hardest. My freaking hardest.

Now, what do I do about the stress ? I mean, I have been doing works and papers for college non-stop (reason why I haven't written here much). But it's all done now. And this was supposed to be the best day ever (that until November, 5th of this year). It wasn't even close. I had to hold myself back a hundred times not to punch everyone. I'm sick, seriously.

Wait, that reminds me of that song, Break Stuff from Limp Bizkit. Freaking PERFECT! I'm using the lyrics. I'm writing them here. By heart, ok ?

It's just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up. Everything's fucked. Everybody sucks. You don't really know why, but you wanna justify ripping someone's head off. No human contact. And if you interact, your life is on contract. Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker. It's just one of those days. 

My thoughts exactly.

L.

Life Lessons From Tomb Raider.

'Cause there are many. Really.

I mean, I know one. And I'm gonna talk about one. But if I find any other, I'll keep you posted.

So. Here's the thing. I was playing Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness (for the second time) and I remembered that once I had thought about this lesson. It's like this. Everytime I get to a new part, I simply can't pass. I've never passed any part without having to try over and over (I'm not really good with games). But then I try again. And I try some new way of doing it. So I get closer. Then I try again and get even closer. And then, after strugling, trying after trying after trying, I get it! I pass! And then a new part comes up, and I can't do it. But each time that I try, I get closer to it. Until I've made it.

So that's the lesson. Don't give up. Just try again. Try harder. 'Cause you'll get it.

Funny that it took me Tomb Raider for me to learn that.

L.