I've got nothing figured out.

Sometimes I wish I had a good reason why I avoid getting out of my house. I wanted a reason why I keep eating when I'm not hungry. I really need a reason why I miss so many classes and never feel good in my own skin. But the one thing I need a reason to failing at the most is being grateful.

I guess when you can't seem to know who you are, it's that much harder to be grateful. Once I decided that I'd never be the kind of person who only realizes what she had when it's gone. And since then, I've told every one of my friends that I love them when I felt like it. I fear being ungrateful every second of my life. And therefore I feel guilty every other second. And yes, I feel bad almost all the time.

I keep telling myself that I can get anything I set my mind to (and I truthfully believe it). But the thing is, I can never set my mind to anything. And I keep failing in everything. 

I've got friends who ignore it when I try to tell them that I need help. I've got friends who comfort me. And I've got friends who tell me I just have to do it. I just have to change. That there's no magic solution to it.

I'm not looking for a magic solution. I'll admit that once I thought that was what I wanted. But it isn't. It really isn't. I just want something that'd heal me. That'd put me back on my feet. And I don't have it. I don't even know what it is. And something keeps me from looking for it.

And that's the fear of being ungrateful. Because, after all I've got, feeling empty is ungrateful.

But I have to stop that. Feeling guilty, feeling empty. I have to stop fearing being ungrateful. 

People never tell me what I want to hear. They never told me I was beautiful, and therefore I can't feel comfortable in my own skin. They never told me I had any talent, and class after class I feel like I'll never be able to do anything well. Maybe all I need is a little bit of feedback. Or lying. I know I need motivation. I just never thought I wasn't the one who had to motivate me.

L.