I wish I could say there are five stages of 'leaving'. At first, I was excited. I had the butterflies, and they were good. But then I got used to it. And calmed down. Then I started getting scared. Of everything. The plane, the language, the people, even the food. At fourth, I started getting sick of it. Sick of people talking about it. Sick of having to deal with it. I guess that's when you lose sight of what's at stake. And now I quite can't believe it. I mean, I know I'm leaving. But it feels like..bullshit. Really, like I was dreaming.
Maybe I shouldn't worry about my friends. I mean, those who didn't even bother to come tell me goodbye. Maybe it doesn't feel real to them as well. But I'm tired of going after them, trying to make them as happy as possible being my friends. I thought I meant more. They do. They mean a lot to me. If they were going away, I'd miss the hell out of them. And I thought they understood. You know, how hard this is for me. I decided all this out of the blue. That's how I pretty much make any big decision. And it's scary, and I could use their support. But to think they didn't bother coming to my goodbye party out of laziness makes me feel sick. Makes me wonder if they're really my friends. I feel like I could never talk to them again. So. Much. And lately people have been telling me all the time how dramatic I've been, how childish. And now I can't decide anything else anymore. I can't even decide who I want in my life. 'Cause I'm afraid they just look at me and shake their heads, thinking "She'll never grow up", you know ? Now I walk around all the time wondering if my every move is childish. Or ungrateful. My parents have raised me well. Better than any parents I've ever met. But in spite of them being my parents, they're human. And they've got their own flaws. That makes it pretty much impossible to raise someone perfectly. And those are the flaws I've got from their parenting. I constantly feeling ungrateful and childish. I can never relax.
For many other reasons, I'm leaving. Je quitte. I gotta get as far away from here as I can. Whatever struggle I may find in Europe will make me forget the ones I have here. Because I'll be too busy trying desperately to communicate with my 'new' family to worry if my parents are proud of me or not. I'll be too worry trying to find my way around a city that doesn't speak my language to worry about whether I'm growing up or not. And definitely too busy feeling incredibly cold to worry about my weight.
This will be good. I just hope I won't fuck it all up.
And congrats to the NFC for the Pro Bowl, BTW. I don't care about the Super Bowl this year (Go, Packers!).
Wish me luck ?
L.
