Now I'm a Believer.

It's 3h40 in the morning. I just woke up. I had fallen asleep around nine o'clock, watching the political hour (does that expression even exist ?) and then woke up at 3 o'clock. Which means that my body actually believes that it should only sleep six hours a day. Go, Laura.

2011 will definitely be the best year of my life (if I don't die during - or even before - it, of course). I mean, think about it. I'll be traveling to Berlin in February, 6th. A week after my classes will have started (ok, not really my classes, since I won't do my third year next year). That means I will have had the same vacation I would have had if I were to stay in Brazil. And then, when I come back in November (by the way, ever heard the song November from Juli ? Maginificent), I won't have classes until next February. Which means, three months of vacation (which is only fair, since I won't have vacations in July). FASM should really allow their students to have more vacation time. It's hard work all year long, and then we have one short month out and BAM, we have to come back and do it all again.

I did everything I had to do today just to find out that the work I was handing in tomorrow has been postponed. I'm not complaining.

I think I'll watch a Grey's Anatomy episode. Yeah, it'll be fun! I just have to make sure I won't wake up anybody (I've got a friend staying the night).

L.

Some Weekend for the NFL.

QB Peyton Manning (Colts) and QB Eli Manning (Giants)

First of all, I'd like to say that I simply hated the family reunion last night. I mean, Giants lost with 14 against 38 points from Colts. Seriously, it was beyond ridiculous and I did expect a little more humanity from Peyton Manning. But ok. It's ok. You know why it's ok? 

Because it was a hell of a weekend for the teams I hate too. Dallas Cowboys lost against Chicaco Bears. New England Patriots lost against New York Jets. And they had scored 14 points against 28 from the Jets. So it was a hell of a lost too (of course that the Giants one was way worse, but let's forget about it). 

I just hope that next week will be better. For me, of course.

L.

Dear Bad Luck In Game,

why are you so ironic ?

I'll admit that I had luck with Giants when I first started rooting for them. And it was a pretty good win. Like, really (someday I'll talk about it in here. It's freaking awesome). But after that, they just got worse (I'm hoping this year will be better). Bad luck.

Then last year, after watching too many football matches, I decided I need to root for a team. Then I thought, "what's the coolest football team in Brazil?" and I simply couldn't deny that Palmeiras was already my favorite. And after that, they started losing quite so often (they're playing right now against their rival and - guess what! - they're losing). Real bad luck.

And this year, of course, after watching the World Cup (which I love with all my heart - most of it because of so many hot football players), I decided to root for Liverpool. Mostly because they have Daniel Agger (hot) in its team (and also because it'll be hard to root for Mesut Özil, since he's so good and will probably be sold a hundred times). And guess what! Just guess how great Liverpool has been doing!

Seriously, am I fated to always lose in game ? Because, let me tell you, I don't have much luck in love either. So, really, it's not fair. The universe could at least make up for it in another area of my life.

And, like I've complained before, today there's Giants at Colts and I won't be able to watch it. Wow, life's unfair.

L.

The Top 10 Best Songs Ever Written.

In my opinion, at least. 

01. Hotel California - The Eagles.

02. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen.

03. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin.

04. Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead.

05. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd.

06. My Way - Elvis Presley.

07. Father and Son - Cat Stevens.

08. Thick as a Brick - Jethro Tull.

09. Baba O'Riley - The Who.

10. Let It Be - The Beatles.

And, for the record, I'm not really a Beatles fan. Not at all.

L.

April, 12th of 2010

So I need to drink. And I need to dance. And I know tomorrow it'll all be waiting for me, just waiting to blow up in my face. But for now, just now, I'm gonna pretend I've already handed in all my works. I'm gonna pretend that I have money. I'm gonna pretend my apartment is cool, organized and adorable. I'm gonna pretend I CAN put on the weight from all the beer. I'm gonna pretend I don't have Spanish class tomorrow. I'm gonna pretend he's in love with me. I'm gonna pretend I'm lucky, I'm great, I'm fine.
I'm gonna pretend it's okay.



Straight from my diary.
L.

The Five Stages of Grief.

According to Elisabeth Kubler Ross when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through 5 distinct stages of grief. We go into denial, because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain, we beg, we plead. We offer everything we have. We offer up our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed, and the anger is too hard to maintain we fall into depression. Despair. Until finally, we have to accept that we have done everything we can. We let go. We let go, and move into acceptance.

Grey's Anatomy, [S06E01]

L.

Drop Dead Diva.

Drop Dead Diva is brought to Brazil by Sony. Just for the record. It goes on air at Wednesdays at nine o'clock pm (if I'm not mistaken - which I don't think I am). It's currently reprising the first season, but I think the second one will go on air in October.

Anyway, I was watching the second season (I won't tell you how I got it) and I realized something. It's pretty much the same every episode. Little change from episode to episode. The big picture stays intact. And that's what great series do. Like Friends, for instance. It's that kind of series that you can pick up from anywhere and still enjoy it. Besides, in addiction, you may even get some life lessons. Which is a great bonus.
But what I like the most about it is the Grayson-issue. Haha. You know, I want her to get together with him and, therefore, I keep hoping for them every episode I watch. Lately, they haven't really gotten anywhere, so I'd say they need a boost. But I'd pretty much love this series no matter what happens in it. I mean, come on! It's about a former aspiring model who died and, after refusing to stay dead, came back to life in the body of a larger lawyer. What's not to love ?

L.

Top 10 Next Movies I'll Watch.

01. It's complicated ('Simplesmente complicado').
02. Grind.
03. Killers ('Par perfeito').
04. The Bounty Hunter ('O caçador de recompensas').
05. Green Street Hooligans 2 ('Hooligans 2' - even though everyone thinks it sucks).
06. The Time Traveler's Wife ('Te amarei para sempre').
07. When Harry Met Sally ('Harry e Sally').
08. And Your Mother Too ('Y tu mamá también' - I already love it. It's got Diego Luna and Gael García Bernal. What's not to love ?).
09. Dear John ('Querido John').
10. The proposal ('A proposta').

Yesterday I watched Did You Hear About The Morgans ? ('Cadê os Morgan?'). I love Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant. Really do.

L.

Y tu mamá también.

I'm a mess. Complete mess. It's really funny that the days I decided to miss my class (just for ditching, no other reason) are the days I am at my most responsable self - IN MY HOUSE. Like, it's when I do my papers, clean my apartment, pay the bills, that kind of thing.
So I'm a mess, 'cause I'm unpredictable and espontaneous. Two things I used to think that were good. 
Why do I do that ? Why am I like that ? Don't I know that ditching class always comes back to bite me in the ass ?
I really have nothing more to say. Maybe I'll write a list.

L.

La di da.

Good morning, everybody. It's ten fifty in the morning and I just came back from college. Isn't it wonderful when you simply don't have half of your classes and you get to go back home and sleep (until it's time to wake up and get to your Spanish class) ? It is. Bien sûr.
You know, it only takes one passionate person to set your path straight. I had absolutely no idea what I was gonna do for this subject, and then this substitute teacher came and lighted it all up. And now, not only do I know what to do, I also want to do it. Talk about unexpected! Haha.
Besides, while this teacher was talking, I started thinking about the career I chose. Turns out college is probably the only place where I'll get the chance to plan a whole collection for a long time. Because, once I finish college, I'll start from the bottom. And then it'll be years until I get to actually do it again. So, from now on, every collection I might have to plan, I'll seize it. It might be my last! (Not really last - since the last one is in the last year and stuff - but one of the only ones.)
It's with that spirit that I'm gonna take a nap now.
(In my defense, I only slept for a few five hours this night. It is in my right to take a nap now! Agree ?)
By the way, I can't forget that I need to buy cotton and virgin dvds. My HD is already full (yes, I fill it with crap every day).
Take care.

L.

The Second Semester Is Always The Best One.

And it's all because of NFL.
NFL is the national football league (see ? NFL. Haha) from USA. Most of people who can read this blog probably already knows this. But for those of you who don't, that's what it is. And it's the best thing in the whole year. I seriously wait since February till August for it. Eagerly.
But the thing is, I don't have ESPN here in São Paulo (I know, it hurts me every day). And every day that I go to Campinas, either there's no game or it's something like Chiefs at. Rams. Seriously. And this weekend specially it'll be Giants at Colts. I mean, COME ON! It's freaking GIANTS VS. COLTS! It's Eli Manning vs. Peyton Manning. Which is the COOLEST thing ever! They're brothers (and I love both of them - though Eli really is the love of my life). And I have to come back to Sampa on Sunday, since I hate my drawing classes from Monday (which means that I've missed many of them over the past few months). Life is so unfair.
So. I just came here to cry a little bit. I think I'll watch a movie now. Hopefully I'll be all up and about in the morning. I can't miss the first class I have on Tuesdays. Haha, I'm so proud of myself.
I just wonder how I'll be able to keep a journal and a blog at the same time.

L.

Because It All Begins Again.

It's six in the morning and I have to get dressed to go to college. I know I had decided it, you know, to stay up all night. But the thing is, I wanna go to bed. The last thing I want right now is to go to FASM, see Novelli or even Feres and draw. Who'd have known that one day just the thought of drawing would bring me down ? And what's worse, after that I still have to get through three classes of (what I like to call) nothing. Just to get back home and sleep my way through most of the afternoon. And then wake up and go back to college to try doing part of all the work I have to (and don't want to) do.
It seems like lately all I've been doing is making through things. Sophomore year is a whole lot different than Freshman. What wouldn't I give to be a freshman (or should I say 'girl' ?) again! Every time I steped inside FASM last year was so amazing to me, was so memorable. And now it's not even routine anymore. It's pointless. It really brings me down. I used to go there three hours before my classes started. And now I get there everyday five minutes late and can't wait to get out.
I can't wait to go abroad. I just have to remind myself that either there or here, it doesn't matter where, I'd still be me.
But, you know, maybe the french will like me better than the brazilians do. Or maybe the german. Or spanish. Maybe I'll fit in.
I'm going to college now. I hope I make it through.

P.s. I figure I need commitment to reach any goal I might have. That's why I'll talk about it in here. I want to lose seven kg. I've got two months for it. Totally doable, if I actually follow this kind of dieting I've tried before. 60 days to go, 7 kg to lose.

L.

5 Reasons Why People Sleep During The Night.

01. Because somebody once decided that we'd live during the day, therefore nothing is open during the night.
02. Because time goes by absurdly slowly at nighttime. It feels like you're dragging yourself through the hours.
03. Because apparently our body sees darkness as time to sleep. And it's pretty hard fighting against your body.
04. Because there are no good television shows at night. Not after midnight. Not unless you're looking for porn (which I never am).
And last but not least,
05. because, truth is, when the sun rises and you realize you've made through the whole night, you get really sleepy - and then your alarm goes off and you have to go to college (or work, what's worse).

L.

The Top 10 Movies I've Watched This Weekend

01. Salt (which is features the 'Top 10 Favorite Movies EVER', which I'll post soon).
02. Date Night ('Uma noite fora de série').
03. The Back-up Plan ('O plano B').
04. The Princess and the Frog ('A Princesa e o Sapo' - that's right).
05. Valentine's Day ('Idas e Vindas do Amor').
06. Julie & Julia.
07. 17 Again ('17 Outra vez' - how can Zac Efron be that HOT ?).
08. Definitely, Maybe ('Três vezes amor').
09. Music and Lyrics ('Letra e música').
And last but not least,
10. Letters to Juliet ('Cartas para Julieta').

So you can see how this weekend was productive. No wonder I feel so numb.

L.

The Top 10 Songs I've Been Listening to.

01. Así soy yo - El Cuarteto de Nos
02. Just a Lil' Bit - 50 Cent
03. Turn it up - Paris Hilton (yes, I love it)
04. Runaway - Zebrahead
05. No love - Eminem feat. Lil Wayne
06. Fragile - Maria Mena
07. The Getaway - Hilary Duff
08. No Veneno - Strike
09. Irgendwo Anders - Jennifer Rostock (I don't think I'll ever stop listening to this song)
10. Around the World - Red Hot Chili Peppers

You can be sure of one thing, Red Hot will always be there. Always with me.

L.

Así Soy Yo.

no tengo penas, ni tengo amores. y así no sufro de sinsabores.
con todo el mundo, estoy a mano. como no juego, ni pierdo ni gano.
no tengo mucho, ni tengo poco. como no opino, no me equivoco.
y como metas, yo no me trazo. nunca supe lo que es un fracaso.

alegría y tristeza es lo mismo para mí que no me interesa sentir.
porque en el ángulo de la vida, yo he decidido ser la bisectriz.

no me involucro, en la pareja. y así no sufro cuando me dejan.
a nadie quise, jamás en serio. y entonces nunca lloro en los entierros.
no pasa nada, si no me muevo. por eso todo me chupan un huevo.
y no me mata, la indecisión, si 'should i stay' o 'should i go'.

ojos que no ven corazón que no siente, dije un ciego cornudo una vez.
yo no soy como hamlet perez. no me importa nada si ser o no ser.

dirán algunos, 'hay que insensible'. otros dirán, 'que fácil simple'.
y esas palabras, las lleva el viento. como no escucho, no me caliento.
no estoy ni arriba ni abajo. ya ni mejoro ni voy a empeorar.
y como nunca empiezo nada, no me pone ansioso poder terminar.

así soy yo.
[el cuarteto de nos]

L.

I've got nothing figured out.

Sometimes I wish I had a good reason why I avoid getting out of my house. I wanted a reason why I keep eating when I'm not hungry. I really need a reason why I miss so many classes and never feel good in my own skin. But the one thing I need a reason to failing at the most is being grateful.

I guess when you can't seem to know who you are, it's that much harder to be grateful. Once I decided that I'd never be the kind of person who only realizes what she had when it's gone. And since then, I've told every one of my friends that I love them when I felt like it. I fear being ungrateful every second of my life. And therefore I feel guilty every other second. And yes, I feel bad almost all the time.

I keep telling myself that I can get anything I set my mind to (and I truthfully believe it). But the thing is, I can never set my mind to anything. And I keep failing in everything. 

I've got friends who ignore it when I try to tell them that I need help. I've got friends who comfort me. And I've got friends who tell me I just have to do it. I just have to change. That there's no magic solution to it.

I'm not looking for a magic solution. I'll admit that once I thought that was what I wanted. But it isn't. It really isn't. I just want something that'd heal me. That'd put me back on my feet. And I don't have it. I don't even know what it is. And something keeps me from looking for it.

And that's the fear of being ungrateful. Because, after all I've got, feeling empty is ungrateful.

But I have to stop that. Feeling guilty, feeling empty. I have to stop fearing being ungrateful. 

People never tell me what I want to hear. They never told me I was beautiful, and therefore I can't feel comfortable in my own skin. They never told me I had any talent, and class after class I feel like I'll never be able to do anything well. Maybe all I need is a little bit of feedback. Or lying. I know I need motivation. I just never thought I wasn't the one who had to motivate me.

L.