I Can't Get You Out Of The Sunlight.

I broke up with my friend. Our friendship, I mean. I broke it off. I decided I never wanted to talk to her ever again. I'm that final. You know, for a while, then I change my mind and go back to the start. That final.

But this time was serious. And it's hard for it to be serious with me, but it was. Because for several times I deeply felt like I hated her. Like I really hated her guts. Like I hated the way she treats me, the way she talks to me, how fake it feels when she tells me she likes me. And it was hard, but I haven't talked to her ever since (it probably hasn't been as long as I feel it's been). I've deleted her out of my life and started to get used to living without her.

Here's my reference: in Being Erica, Erica once broke up with one of her friends, when she realised that this friend only hurt her. And I know it seems absurd, bu is it really ?

Think about it. When a relationship is poisoned, and it only wears you out, when you keep feeling like you hate the other person, like that person is so despicable, shouldn't you break it off ? Isn't that the only way of being happy ? Why should friendships be any different ? So I become somebody's friend, and then we both grow up (or maybe not both of us, huh) and we become so different, we can't exactly coexist in harmony. Shouldn't it end ?

I got carried away, though. And I decided I'd burn any bridge that took me places I hated. Anybody who was annoying, poisoned and made me feel like, well, a loser. Here's the thing, though. When you think your brother is unfair and always getting what he wants, selfish and stuff, you shouldn't just decide to never talk to him again. Sure, teaching him he shouldn't be this way should be a priority. But then again, that's not my job. And sure, instead of teaching him, just ignoring it will probably just increase the chances of it happening again in the future. But he's my brother, you know. I can't be so final with him. 

But friends, think about it, they're supposed to be the light of your life. Family is the ones you learn with. But friends should equal fun. They should at least equal happiness. And she only made me mad, really. 

Now she's sent me a message saying she needs to talk to me. It's been so long, I had given up on that. And I'm not even sure if she wants to apologize for being, well, bitchy. I was so sure I had made the right decision. I don't wanna go back to that kind of friendship we had. How do I decide if being friends is a good idea or not ? 

L.

Me And My Heart, We Got Issues.

First of all, merry christmas to all. I'm not really christian (more like atheist), but my family is and we celebrate christmas (I, because I like presents - and, of course, when my family gets together).

Now I was going over people's profiles on Orkut, and I saw people telling each other that they loved each other and stuff. It was all very nice and all, but I couldn't help thinking that, even though I've been missing the feeling of liking somebody, of thinking about somebody in bed (in the most inocent way ever possible), I'm really lazy for this love thing. I mean, I've done that before, you know. Fall in love. Being in love. Having somebody meaning the world to me. And being brokenhearted too. And I gotta say, I'm not sure I wanna go through that again. It's all very useless. I don't mean to say that love is useless, but it kinda is. Right, so feeling loved is good. And I don't even remember what that feels like. But being in a relationship is so much work, so much work. And most relationships are just plain phony. Just made-up intimacy. And made by people who can't really face themselves. All very nice and all. Besides, it's such a vanity fair, truth is always forgotten, and trust is that much harder to find. What I'm trying to say is that having a true meaningful realtionship is very, very hard and I'm just too lazy to try finding it.

Isn't that I great epiphany to have five days before New Year's Eve ? Yeah, life's that nice and all.

L.

I'm Screaming For Attention, So Come Dig Me Out.

My dad's asked me if it isn't scary to go to Europe by myself and live there with strangers for 10 months. He's so funny.

Of course it's scary. When I was younger, he used to tell me that I could get into college, study for a year and then leave for an exchange course. Back then, I'd agree, but secretly wish I wouldn't. I was scared, yes. But I also knew I couldn't handle it. Now 2010 has come to my life and, between my desperation of finding myself, curing myself and developing myself, I've come to the decision that - well, that I need to get the hell out of here as soon as possible.

It's been six months since I thought of that. But hey, it's the soonest possible. 

But now, as I approach the date of leaving, I can't help wondering if I am really ready. Because it's scary. Like, hell scary. How can anyone be ready to spend 10 months with strangers in a land they don't even know how to communicate ? Scary. People say you make friends at hello in Berlin. But before I say Hello to anyone, I'll have to get by alone. All alone. What if I do something wrong ? What if I forget every single dammed word of German I've ever learned ? Then what do I do ?

And that's not the only thing that's scary. Here's something you didn't see coming - as least not from me: I'm scared that I'll miss my parents too much. And my friends. I'm gonna cry my eyes out on my goodbye party. And when I'm about to get on board. Three of my friends left to London last Friday and, whether they noticed or not, I was on the verge of really crying my eyes out. I'll melt when I'm the one who has to leave. 

It's gonna break me. But here's one good side of it, I'll probably go back to writing in my Journal. And by writing, I don't mean copying what I wrote here and pasting there. I really don't. 

There's also a huge part of me that wishes I was going tomorrow. Go figure.

L.

This Night Is Flawless.

And it'll stay this way if Giants win over Vikings. Just saying.

This last weekend was a rather unfair one. I spent it drinking, sleeping and playing Tomb Raider. It was the happiest I had been in a long, long time. And now I'm back to school. So unfair. They shouldn't give me a taste of vacation when I have a few 48 hours to get back to college for EXAMS. Yes, unfair.

Besides such devastating recall this morning, things got a lot better during the day. You see, I've just watched this 'Being Erica' episode that aired last week, and it was such a great episode! SUCH a great episode! And the fact that it made me doubt it during almost the entire episode only made it better!

Now I'm here, wishing with all my strength that I'll pass all my four exams (yes, I suck). And that the weekend will come fast. And that Giants will win tonight. Oh, god. Please make Giants win tonight! I love them so much! Haha.

I guess the last thing I've got to say is that I can't stop listening to Enchanted, from Taylor Swift. Yes, and I can't help wishing I was in love too. Dammit.

L.

The Top 5 Songs I'm Currently In Love With.

01. (Can't Get No) Satisfaction - Britney Spears (yes, she made a cover of this song, and I love it).

02. Peacock - Katy Perry (I've surrended).

03. Wretches and Kings - Linkin Park (I still can't believe how AWESOME this song is).

04. If This Was A Movie - Taylor Swift (it's got this weird power of making me listen to it a hundred times and not get sick of it).

05. Dollhouse - Priscilla Renea (this song is so fun!).

Just wanted to uptade this place and make you listen to Wretches and Kings.

L.

I Wanna See Your Peacock.

In about three months, I'll be 20 years old. TWENTY YEARS OLD! That is so old! I might even have to start being responsible. Unthinkable.
Sorry about the title, dudes. It's just that I've been listening to this song quite often lately.
Just one more thing, I've got this love/hate relationship with Avril Lavigne, but her new album cover is definitily adorable! I can't wait for it. March is going to be the best month ever. Germany, Britney, Avril and my birthday. Yay!





L.