All Work, No Play.

What a mistake. [Inspired by Hilary Duff's song, 'No Work, All Play'.]

I'm always running after work. Work for college, homework for whatever language and even working out. I wake up at 7am, go to college, go to some language class, go to the gym, and then I come back at 9pm. I spend over 12 hours out most of the days. And most of the few hours I spend home are hours dedicated to the first two works. And what I'm saying is, all these kinds of work take all my time. Then when I go to Campinas on the weekend and I don't wanna go out at night (again, after spending all day doing work for college), my friends think I'm lazy. That I'm boring. Well, that I've been boring. Last holiday, my dad came to me and said, 'You should come with us to the movies. You know, to leave the house for a while'. But, mygod, all I wanted to do was not have to leave the house. I just wanted to spend, like, two days just making my way from the bedroom to the kitchen and vise-versa.

That's just what I think about when I'm coming home from the gym. That I love being home, doing nothing, like sleeping. And usually I only get to sleep five hours a day. It sucks that I have to go through another 14 hours feeling sleepy and tired all the time. I feel sleepy all the time. And I won't even get to sleep well this weekend because I have so much work from college! That's why I miss some classes from time to time. Because it's a bit too much. I'm a bit over my head. More than I'd like to admit. But I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. I'm always trying my fucking best to make it through. That's why I make stupid little promises. It's the only way for me to get through it all alive.

L.

p.s. I just polished my nails with Revlon's Midnight Affair. It is so not as blue as it looks there. It's pretty much black, but I'm in love with it. 

Affection.

it's not okay / it doesn't feel right / that i keep holding my breath / grasping for air / and you stay unaffected // i've tried so hard / to reach out to you / i never seem to touch you / i never get to feel you / and you stay unaffected // i can't measure my words / i won't back down / i'm not giving myself up / but you've let me down // it's so not fair / that i don't stand a chance / next to what you wanted / and i want you every day // i feel like you're somewhere else / though it seems like you're still here / i keep trying my hardest to please you / you never notice how this is killing me //

i counted my blessings

and you took me for granted

so, if this is goodbye

you must know how you affected me

[lyrics written by me]

L.

And Just Then The Wind Blew.

I find myself making stupid promises so funny. I mean, I said last week - no, wait. Two weeks ago - that I was gonna be miss 'Health Generation' (I actually used those exact words, irony hitting me). Some promise. I also promised I'd get in a diet and bla bla. And that combined with the fact that I overanalyze everything, I now spend my days trying to understand just why I can't keep my promises. I'm seriously looking for some highly deep psychological explanation. The thing is, there is none. No explanation whatsoever, besides the fact that I'm lazy. And not only am I lazy, I also have no will power. None.

It's very funny indeed, that I keep making these promises and I keep breaking them non stop. Some day I'll make some promise I'll keep. I mean, once I promised I'd attend every class during a whole week. I did keep it. Maybe I'll make it again this week. Every class - college and languages - and every gym class too. That's a good plan. I'm halfway there.

Yeah, like it's real easy for me to keep it.

L.

Kinda Addictive.

I shouldn't say 'kinda'. It's not just kinda. It's a lot. It's so addictive, I've been watching it every chance I get for a few weeks (probably six). I've even been dreaming about it. Every. Single. Night. That's very addictive. Right ?

But I can't help it. I really can't. Every episode makes you wish for more. Much more. So much more! It never satisfies you. Or me, in this case.

What is it really about ? Not really medicine. I mean, it is a bit about medicine. It even makes me want to go through medical school and try becoming a surgeon (crazy idea). But the most addictive part is definitely the relationships. The romantic relationships. The most complicated ones. The ones worth watching.

Funny. It's not every series that get me addicted just because of the relationships. House, for instance, made me lose interest in itself as soon as they began with the whole House-and-Cuddy thing. Makes me nauseous.

But Grey's Anatomy knows how to do it. It takes your breath away, Literally. Specially the couple Owen and Yang [photo]. They're my favorite couple ever [in Grey's, haha]. Many could be my favorite (like Alex and Izzie or, of course, Mer and Derek). But Owen and Yang are so helpless for each other, it's - there's no other word for it - breathtaking.

From time to time it makes me wish I had that. But watching it is the next best thing. Haha. And it suffices.

L

Underage Thinking.

This post is not about Teddy Geiger's album (though I love it).

I have a story to tell. Of when I was 14 years old.

So. I was 14 years old and I was in P.E. class. I was listening to the discman (good old times), and it was playing Backstreet Boys (yes, I like them. Haha, I'm not crazy about them, but I like them). Then it was my time to play. So I left it on the bench. And some boys of my class started listening and making fun of it (note: I didn't get offended. I never get offended. Especially like that. I like boys and how they make fun of nothing. Just saying). Then it was over and I went looking for the discman. And it was nowhere to be seen. So I panicked.

First, because it wasn't mine. And second, because the boys who had it weren't really my friends. I was kinda scared of them. Not scared, but scared, yeah. Haha. So I went to the one I was least scared of and asked him about it. He said this other guy had it. And I was definitely scared of that guy. But what choice did I have ?

So I went up to him. And I was walking on freaking eggshells, expecting him to tell me to go to hell. Expecting him to have left it anywhere and not even know where it was. I was expecting him to be rude, to treat me like I was stupid.

He treated me so nicely, he was so kind, that I spent the next year and a half in love with him. He told he had taken it to the Lost and Found. And, instead of just saying that, he went there with me to make sure I'd get it. And he even talked to me about music. He didn't treat me like I was stupid for liking that kind of music. He asked me what I liked, he answered, he really talked.

I was amazed. And after that, day after day, I watched him. I watched how he behaved, how he reacted to things, what he said. And I fell in love with him harder and harder each day. He was so kind, so smart, so different. Until one day I was sitting with my best friend at the door to our school, and about eight guys passed by us. He was one of them. And all of them were our friends. But he was the only one to say goodbye to us. And she turned to me and said, 'He's such a nice guy, isn't he ? None of the others even noticed us'.

After that I told her I was crazy about him.

Thinking about this whole story now makes me remember the feeling of liking him. It was a great year just for that. Just for liking him. Now I wish I had had the guts to act on it. Not that I'd ever have a chance, but still. I kinda did act on it eventually, but it was too late anyway. It still was a good year. It was a great feeling. And he never let me down. He was always such a good person.

Last year he came talk to me out of nowhere. It was great. Since then we talk once in a while.

The thing is, he's still very important to me. Very. And I care about him deeply. I haven't seen him in years, really years. And it was his birthday this 13th. And I forgot. I forgot because I was too busy not doing anything all day (which means, I was busy with college, German class and gym, from 7h30 am to 9h30 pm). But it's no excuse. He matters too much to be forgotten. So this is my redemption. I'm here, trying to prove that I care. I care enough that I remember the first day I talked to him. And I remember the feeling. And I miss it. And I'd go back in time just to have another chance of telling him how I felt. I'd go back in time this week too, just to have a chance of telling him how much I admire him. But I guess it's too late.

I just hope this makes up for it. If not, then I'll be willing to do anything to make up for it. Like, really.

L.